In the Fall of 2006 Joe was on his way home from work and a car took a left-hand turn right in front of him. He could not avoid the car, and hit it. No one was hurt. He was in his brand new truck. He was nice to the girl because she was young and obviously shaken up. Joe's truck had to have some body work done on it.
He said to me, in somewhat of a serious tone, "good thing I wasn't on my motorcycle".
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
I don't know what to write here......................I just am at a loss. Mostly at the moment I can't write here because every other word that goes through my mind is a swear...like if I was talking I would have the mouth of a truck driver (sorry truck drivers). I just feel ANGRY and pissy most of the time. Luckily when it comes to my kids they make my heart melt and I feel a warmth from them. EVERYTHING ELSE SUCKS. Even when I was watching Extreme Home Makeover last night (which I rarely watch but the house was in NH so I watched), I couldn't help feeling somewhat angry because so many problems have solutions, but not mine. The people had lost their house in a flood, they were going to lose their land, etc etc...they've had an awful year. But they had a solution and they are happy again. Me....no solution. No Extreme Makeover here. Just suckiness. There's just no way around this, nothing that can be done to make it better.
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I know that everyone deals with death at some point so I know my situation is not unique. Death of a person you love is hard.
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I know that everyone deals with death at some point so I know my situation is not unique. Death of a person you love is hard.
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Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Generally speaking I don't look too closely at the pictures around my house these days. I don't move them for the sake of my kids but it's also hard to look at them or think about them too much. Tonight I stood upstairs and stared at a picture of Joe for a long time. It's weird but I feel like I can practically hear his voice and feel his whiskery face. He's so alive. I can't believe I will not see him again.
It kills me that his face, along with the rest of his body is in a grave a mile from here. That sounds so harsh and awful but it is reality. Regardless of any beliefs anyone has about what happens to a soul when they die, there is no dispute about where the body goes.
That's my husband's body with no life in it. It's the body that used to walk through the door every night at 5:30 and yell "daddy's home!". The one that made fires for me in the living room. The one who's arms wrapped around my children every night. The body that held more knowledge about me than anyone else on this earth. The one that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
The same body that I saw laying in a hospital bed one and only one time in all of the years that I knew him.
That's my husband's body with no life in it.
Why did I have to see that?
It kills me that his face, along with the rest of his body is in a grave a mile from here. That sounds so harsh and awful but it is reality. Regardless of any beliefs anyone has about what happens to a soul when they die, there is no dispute about where the body goes.
That's my husband's body with no life in it. It's the body that used to walk through the door every night at 5:30 and yell "daddy's home!". The one that made fires for me in the living room. The one who's arms wrapped around my children every night. The body that held more knowledge about me than anyone else on this earth. The one that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
The same body that I saw laying in a hospital bed one and only one time in all of the years that I knew him.
That's my husband's body with no life in it.
Why did I have to see that?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Weeks later I am still trying to figure all this out.
I have been able to realize now that I have two separate areas of loss that I am dealing with (this is all aside from Luke and Alyssa). One part is trauma and one part is deep sadness.
The "trauma", and I have no idea if that is the right word, is remembering (involuntarily) the night and days immediately following the accident. It is words that people said to me, things that I saw, things that I heard, thinking about other people's reactions, events that took place. This stuff flashes into my mind and some of it makes me lose my breath and it is a sharp/stabbing/hurtful/desperate kind of pain. Weeks later I still don't know what to do with those feelings. I still have the same question as to whether or not I can stuff that somewhere deep within and hope it doesn't ever come out again. Or I wonder if I am supposed to voluntarily face the thoughts that are so painful that I can't even deal with them, and don't seem to fade in intensity. I don't know what to do.
The other thing that I deal with is a deep sadness/longing for my husband. This would be similar to what most people are familiar with in terms of dealing with loss. The nothingness of it all. The wondering what the future will be like. The days without him. The holidays, the seasons changing, all of it. Thinking about him and what a healthy 37-year-old, happy, good, funny, kind, loving person he was and how crazy that one minute he can be here and the next minute gone. It's insane and sad beyond words. And in terms of Luke and Alyssa, sad beyond belief.
I have been able to realize now that I have two separate areas of loss that I am dealing with (this is all aside from Luke and Alyssa). One part is trauma and one part is deep sadness.
The "trauma", and I have no idea if that is the right word, is remembering (involuntarily) the night and days immediately following the accident. It is words that people said to me, things that I saw, things that I heard, thinking about other people's reactions, events that took place. This stuff flashes into my mind and some of it makes me lose my breath and it is a sharp/stabbing/hurtful/desperate kind of pain. Weeks later I still don't know what to do with those feelings. I still have the same question as to whether or not I can stuff that somewhere deep within and hope it doesn't ever come out again. Or I wonder if I am supposed to voluntarily face the thoughts that are so painful that I can't even deal with them, and don't seem to fade in intensity. I don't know what to do.
The other thing that I deal with is a deep sadness/longing for my husband. This would be similar to what most people are familiar with in terms of dealing with loss. The nothingness of it all. The wondering what the future will be like. The days without him. The holidays, the seasons changing, all of it. Thinking about him and what a healthy 37-year-old, happy, good, funny, kind, loving person he was and how crazy that one minute he can be here and the next minute gone. It's insane and sad beyond words. And in terms of Luke and Alyssa, sad beyond belief.
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At this time the "trauma" seems worse and more difficult for me to deal with than the sadness. The sadness is kind of an even flow of thoughts...thinking about things, etc etc. The trauma is...........just.............worse. I can't explain it very well. I guess I feel like it's possible to **survive** and go on being sad, but when I have those awful traumatic thoughts I want to run somewhere....scream....bang my head until the thoughts are gone.
I am so thankful that Luke and Alyssa do not have the "trauma" part of it. At least I hope they don't. They have to deal with the sadness and they will mourn their father in the years to come, but I am hoping that they were spared the sharp/stabbing/hurtful/desperate pain.
How do I turn this around?
How do I give meaning to something so tragic?
I am so thankful that Luke and Alyssa do not have the "trauma" part of it. At least I hope they don't. They have to deal with the sadness and they will mourn their father in the years to come, but I am hoping that they were spared the sharp/stabbing/hurtful/desperate pain.
How do I turn this around?
How do I give meaning to something so tragic?
Monday, January 14, 2008
I have been having work done on my house for the last few months. There are many reasons for why I chose to do this. In a nutshell, it's a big part of what has kept me going.
I believe that Joe would like everything that I have done. Still, sometimes, I have these images flash through my mind of what it would be like if he walked up the driveway. I can see the look on his face of "what has gone on here?" and I think about taking him through the house to see what has changed. These thoughts I have are kind of scary for some reason.
All the changes to my house have been things that I've wanted, asked for, and for the most part I love everything that's been done. But there is part of me that is sad when a new project is completed. As much as I want to make things more beautiful, I sometimes feel like I just want to change it all back to the way it was before.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would live in the shack for the rest of my days if I could have him back in my life.
I believe that Joe would like everything that I have done. Still, sometimes, I have these images flash through my mind of what it would be like if he walked up the driveway. I can see the look on his face of "what has gone on here?" and I think about taking him through the house to see what has changed. These thoughts I have are kind of scary for some reason.
All the changes to my house have been things that I've wanted, asked for, and for the most part I love everything that's been done. But there is part of me that is sad when a new project is completed. As much as I want to make things more beautiful, I sometimes feel like I just want to change it all back to the way it was before.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would live in the shack for the rest of my days if I could have him back in my life.
There is a comment on a post below about a "dream I had when I was inside and all the doors were locked". I don' t know who wrote the comment....and I don't remember the dream. Did I have a dream like that? Whoever wrote it email me and refresh my memory.
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