Saturday, July 25, 2015
8 years. This post below from 5 Years still captures my feelings as well as I can explain.
I love you Joe, and I will always miss you.
And I am so sorry.
Because when I really sit and think of you, when I strip away all the pain and heartache and anger and guilt and the details of life that play into the emotions of the tragedy of your death... when I think of you aside from our kids, our marriage, and all that's wrapped up in life... when I think of just you....those words- "I'm sorry" whisper constantly in my head. Not as your wife, your kids' mother, your love, not as any of that....just as your friend and confidant on this earth that knew so much of who you were, I wish I could look you in the eye and tell you how sorry I am this happened to you.
One of the deepest pains of my life is that as a mother, I will not ever again see my children with their father.
I long to see my daughter with her father in a way that I cannot explain. Trying to put it in words almost makes me feel angry because I don't believe there are any words that do the feeling justice. She was so little when he died. She is so much like him.
I am angry that this joy will never be part of my life experience. I will never again have that pleasure as a mother on this earth, ever.
And she will never experience the pleasure as a daughter of being with her father again on this earth, ever.
There are many, many layers of loss that come with death. Some of them are felt only by me, some only by my children and some only by you. We all loved Joe differently. His death impacted us differently.
It's been a crazy 5 years. I consider myself incredibly blessed in every way imaginable and have a life that is wonderful. I consider us to have moved through an incredibly difficult time as unscathed as possible under the absolute best of conditions. Still, it all hurts, and we are permanently impacted by what happened.
After 5 years, I am confident in saying that it always will hurt. Life is not easy. Not for anyone, I know that. We all have pains and scars that run deep and stem from a wide variety of personal tragedies. It is a brave choice to keep moving forward, to want better for ourselves, to search for peace and happiness. As adults I hope my children understand this-
Happiness is a choice, not a feeling that comes to us and stays indefinitely.
There will be times in life that they are effortlessly happy, and there will also be hardships, sickness, loss, and sadness. Days when they may not want to get out of bed. Days when they want to wallow in how unfair life is. I hope they allow themselves to feel that hurt, and then make a choice to not let it define who they are....to focus on the good things in their lives and be grateful for what they have. And move forward.
I acknowledge that for every time my heart aches at the thought of not seeing my children with their father, there are a thousand other beautiful, wonderful things I DO get to see. In my mind I accept the pains as they come to me and then consciously move the spotlight to what I do have. It is hard at times, but it is the only way. And it works. And it IS work. It is work to live happily.
I will always love Joe and be grateful for all that he gave me. I received the comment once (not meant to comfort) "You can find another husband and move on" and to me that is the most cold-hearted comment a widow can receive. It belittles the loss, it belittles marriage, and it implies that people can be replaced. And in my life, Joe will never be replaced. He was my husband and that meant something to me. I loved him with a fullness and innocence that is gone forever. I will never forget him, try to replace him or "move on" from him in any way that separates me from the beauty of his impact on my life. I will continue to live, be corageous enough to risk love, continue to believe that great things are in store for me. But I will never forget Joe. He is the father of my children. The man that chose me to be his wife. The man that shared anything I asked and was true to me "til death do us part".
He is part of me.
We will always be his. He will always be ours.