Friday, September 28, 2007

The Heating Guy

I stood in my basement today for two hours (literally) talking to my heating guy. He was here to do yearly maintenance on the furnace. Joe and I met this man in 2004, and he also had a motorcycle. The two of them formed a friendship and would sometimes ride together.

We talked about a whole bunch of different things, and honestly, most of them were very unlikely topics for two people standing in a basement. However, it was such and informative conversation for me. He lost his father at age 4 to a heart attack. I had the opportunity to ask this grown man about what it was like for him through the years, growing up without his father. As you can imagine, I have a whole bunch of questions about how my children might be processing this loss. Luckily he is a talker and was able to articulate answers for me, though I understand that grief is a personal thing, and different for everyone.

Still, I appreciated so much the conversation because I was able to see a grown, functioning, "normal" human being standing in front of me that lost his own father at a young age and got through it.

At one point I started crying (in the basement with this person I don't know very well) because he said that my situation as a single parent is most likely "temporary". He said that I will probably meet someone again that I will love like I did Joe. My reaction was "I doubt that" and I immediately started crying.

I just can't imagine that I will ever love anyone as much as I loved Joe. And I can't imagine anyone loving me as much as Joe loved me. I can't imagine that I will ever have that love relationship again. That makes me feel so awful, like the best part of my life is over. That is so hard to deal with.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm done lurking on your site now too. You are helping us all to get through this...with your writing. Please don't stop. My thoughts are with you and your family everyday. Your blog today struck a cord...I lost my dad when I was 3. I think I turned out ok. I don't remember him and I still cry sometimes...more for the longing to have known the man that was my dad (than for the actual loss of my dad.) I wish that my mom had done exactly what you are doing. You're keeping Joe's love and memory alive for Luke and Alyssa. They will know their dad from your poignantly written memories and beautiful photos in your's a life scrapbook! Please keep writing. Thinking of you, Julie