Friday, October 5, 2007

After we got back from vacation in early July I had a swollen lymph node behind my ear. I went to the doctor and he looked at it and wanted me to see a head and neck surgeon. He said to me "I can't rule out lymphoma". I was totally freaked out and I went home and looked it up online (big mistake....not recommending that to anyone EVER). So anyway, I spent a week thinking about this dumb lump. As it turns out, it went away and it seems to have been nothing serious.

I am talking about this because it actually is a very important piece of this puzzle. It figures into the time frame of when I came home from camp because I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment on July 26. I have thought several times that if only I hadn't had the appointment, I would have come home earlier in the week and none of this would have happened. Those "what if's" are endless though, and I gave up on them a long time ago.

Another reason why this lump was important in all of this is because it sparked a deep and ironic conversation between Joe and I a week before the accident. I will post about that another time.

And the other thing that I have thought of over and over is this email from Joe, from July 12:


I just wanted to let you know that you absolutely shouldn’t worry about anything until you know for sure what it is…Hun really, I know it’s hard not to think about what it could be but 99% of the time we worry about stuff that never comes about.

I love you…Let me know when your appointment is.

What I am struck by is that he said "99% of the time we worry about stuff that never comes about". One of my biggest thoughts on a day-to-day basis regarding Joe's accident is that "I can't believe what I worried about happening, actually happened". It's the strangest thing. I worried about Joe on his bike all the time. We would see accidents on the news and he would get right in my face and say "You don't have to worry about me Robin". I worried less as more years passed. This summer was the first summer since he got the bike when I really was kind of getting used to idea of him having a motorcycle and it being "okay".

I am just saying, it is very odd feeling to have your worst fear come true. It is very odd to have my worry not be part of that 99%.


Heather said...


I know this really has nothing to do with this blog. But I just want you to know that the last comment you left me on my blog meant a lot to me and it really made this a little easier and a little more understandable. Even though not everything will be 100% understandable to me or probably anyone else. But it deffinatly cleared up things for me as far as that goes...I do love joe and do miss him a lot and I am very grateful to have had him in my life. so much that words probably couldn't explain it. Which is weird to me because that saying " you never know what you have until it's gone" never made sense to me until now but I also know that hes not completly gone, he's still in our hearts and our memories...forever.....

it's still hard to talk about 'cause it's still hard to get all my thoughts in order so they make sense....

love you
~ Heather

Steph said...

At around 6:30 pm on August 1st you told me over the phone what you just wrote in the last 2 paragraphs of this post. And to be completely honest Robin, I haven't stopped thinking about it since. It's always spinning around in the back of my head. I don't have any answers..may never have any...but I wanted you to know that I've been thinking the same thing.
It's very odd.