Tuesday, October 2, 2007

What Luke Doesn't Know

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Immediately following our conversation that I spoke of yesterday, on the way to Hannaford, Luke had another question for me. This question was something I had been fearing since the day I told Luke and Alyssa what happened, which was July 27. The question from Luke, from the back seat of my car, was:
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"Where did daddy die?"
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This question is really difficult for me for a few reasons. The first is that Luke is a roads type of guy. Ever since he was very small, and I mean VERY small, like 2 or 3, he has always paid attention to stores, roads, and the general what's what when we go places. To this day, when we are driving around he always knows how to get wherever we are going, what we are going to drive by en route to our destination and what new construction is going on, etc. He likes that kind of thing.
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The second thing that is difficult for me is that the spot where the accident occurred is in front of a (plant) nursery down the street from us which we frequented. I have spent lots of time and money at this place and the kids know it well.
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Third, the spot where the accident occurred is on a road that we used to travel on all of the time. I have talked about this before. Lately I go out of my way to not go that way, but still, the accident site is close by and very familiar to Luke.
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I have worried about this question from Luke for the past two months, and somehow I thought when he asked it, I might have figured out an answer. But I had no answer.
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Luke: "Where did daddy die?"
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Robin: "Where did daddy die? (................long pause...............) I am not sure Luke, but I will find out for you."
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Luke: "FIND OUT??!! How are you going to find out?? You weren't there were you?" (This kind of comment shows exactly how innocent and unknowing a kid is about what occurs when there is an accident)
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Robin: "When there is a serious accident like what daddy was in Luke, lots of people go like police officers and firemen and people like that. I will talk to them and find out where it happened."
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Luke did not pressure me for further details and the conversation ended there. Honestly, I have done my absolute best to answer every question Luke asks me to the best of my ability and with complete truthfulness up to this point. It really bothers me to not tell him the truth. But I can not understand what the right thing to do is. I know that what I know about the accident is very difficult for me to deal with. There are times, lots and lots of times, when I myself really cannot deal with what I know. I don't know what to do with the thoughts and images in my head. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is such a thing as "too much information". I have to protect my son from this fact, because I can't think of anything at all to be gained by it for him. Maybe I will change my mind, maybe someone will tell me something that will make sense about what I should tell Luke. Until then, I will hope that he doesn't ask the question again. Because if he does, I don't know what I will tell him.
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I will also add that this topic is very painful for me to write about. Very sharp and difficult to even write the words.
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3 comments:

Amanda said...

Robin,
Thank you for writing these thoughts down and sharing this with us. You are doing a wonderful job answering Luke's questions and yet as you said not giving to much info. These things will come with time. You are a wonderful mother and those kids are a reflection of that.

Steph said...

Because you are searching, I belive you will find the answers you are looking for, and that when the time is right, you will know it, and know what to say.

Heather said...

Robin, Luke is so lucky to have you as his mother. Such a thinking boy is so much better off with such a thinking mom. I'm not any kind of expert or anything, but to me it seems like you are doing *EVERYTHING* right with him. You have got to go with what your gut tells you and stick with it. You're doing just great with Luke's questions. And the best part of all is that Luke feels he *can* ask you these questions. What a gift and a blessing for Luke. Thank God for you Robin.
Love,
Heather