Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Alyssa talks about/mentions Joe a lot. She does it in a "remembering" type of way usually, like "remember when daddy....".

Last week we were driving in the car and she was quiet for a while (unusual) and she said:

"Why I can't hear daddy?"

At this point I didn't answer right away because at that moment it was hard for me to say the words again that daddy died... So before I said anything she said:

"Does died mean all gone?"

In that moment she was realizing a little more that she is not going to see her daddy again. I answered her:

Robin: "Yes, Alyssa, died means all gone. Daddy is in heaven, and when people go to heaven you can't see them or hear them anymore. Daddy still loves you from heaven and he misses you just like you miss him."

Alyssa: "Why daddy calls me his princess?"

Robin: "Because daddy loves you so much and he felt like you were his little princess"

Alyssa: "I want him to color with me."

Robin: "I know Alyssa."

She then completely changed the subject and told me what she wanted to play when we got home.

Honestly, I can't believe I am having these conversations with my daughter. I can't believe that I have to say these awful things and she has to hear them. I hate it. I have grown accustomed in the last 24, yes that's right, TWENTY FOUR weeks to saying things, hearing things, doing things that I never ever in a million years would want to say/hear/do. Putting the lights on my christmas tree alone (something Joe and I always did together) was horrible; Luke's christmas card "To mommy and Alyssa" just about broke my heart in two (as if it's still in one piece) and filling out the christmas gift tags:

FROM: mommy

over and over and over was one of worst things I have done so far. It's not just christmas though, it's every day. I feel like a walking lie. I feel like a dead person that is still living.

I can't believe that my time with him is over. That there will be no more pictures of him. There are no more memories to make. All that is just done, final, complete. How can that be?


Heather said...

What strikes me so much about this heart-wrenching post is that your (Robin's) thoughts/feelings are so totally the same as Alyssa's. At the core, at least in this post, you're both asking the same questions and thinking/feeling the same things. On different levels, obviously. But foundationally, the same. It is just so striking to me all of a sudden in this post. It is such a huge horrific loss and I never get numb to these posts you write because it feels almost just as raw today as it did 24 weeks ago. Hang in there sweet friend, hang in there. And big hugs to Alyssa and Luke too.

Kim said...

I have read this post many times and tried to figure out what to say. Nothing came to mind. Until this last time while reading it, I realized that there is so much you have done for Luke and Alyssa. You talk to them when they ask tough questions. You had Christmas even though it was so difficult. You continue to give them the life that you and Joe want them to have.

I wish you could make more memories with Joe. I wish you could take more pictures of him. But I believe you are living the life that he would want you to continue with. You are taking care of your kids in a healthy way. Making memories with and for them. Taking pictures of them and sharing those pictures and memories with all of us.

By continuing to write, I think you are able to get things out in a positive way, even though it must feel so negative to you. I'm so grateful that you let us read your thoughts.

We are all here for you Robin. I know you've heard this a million times and you have no idea why we all say this but, You really are an amazing person.