Alyssa talks about/mentions Joe a lot. She does it in a "remembering" type of way usually, like "remember when daddy....".
Last week we were driving in the car and she was quiet for a while (unusual) and she said:
"Why I can't hear daddy?"
At this point I didn't answer right away because at that moment it was hard for me to say the words again that daddy died... So before I said anything she said:
"Does died mean all gone?"
In that moment she was realizing a little more that she is not going to see her daddy again. I answered her:
Robin: "Yes, Alyssa, died means all gone. Daddy is in heaven, and when people go to heaven you can't see them or hear them anymore. Daddy still loves you from heaven and he misses you just like you miss him."
Alyssa: "Why daddy calls me his princess?"
Robin: "Because daddy loves you so much and he felt like you were his little princess"
Alyssa: "I want him to color with me."
Robin: "I know Alyssa."
She then completely changed the subject and told me what she wanted to play when we got home.
Honestly, I can't believe I am having these conversations with my daughter. I can't believe that I have to say these awful things and she has to hear them. I hate it. I have grown accustomed in the last 24, yes that's right, TWENTY FOUR weeks to saying things, hearing things, doing things that I never ever in a million years would want to say/hear/do. Putting the lights on my christmas tree alone (something Joe and I always did together) was horrible; Luke's christmas card "To mommy and Alyssa" just about broke my heart in two (as if it's still in one piece) and filling out the christmas gift tags:
over and over and over was one of worst things I have done so far. It's not just christmas though, it's every day. I feel like a walking lie. I feel like a dead person that is still living.
I can't believe that my time with him is over. That there will be no more pictures of him. There are no more memories to make. All that is just done, final, complete. How can that be?