5 separate people have recommended the same grief counseling program in the last few months. I decided since it has such a good reputation that I would try it. It is a one night a week "griefshare" session for people who are dealing with loss.
Once I decided that I was actually going to do it I really did not give it much more thought until I was driving there for the first time on Tuesday night. All of a sudden I felt like "what the hell am I doing?!" and I ran through the possible scenarios of what would happen if I didn't go. I knew no one would hold it against me, and that I could change my mind and just turn around and go home. "Why do I want to sit in a room with a bunch of strangers and tell them my story? Why do I want to face this right now? Why do I want to re-live this stuff that I am trying to make peace with instead of bringing up the heart wrenching details?"
Then I remembered a conversation that I had with Luke about a month ago. I had mentioned to him that I thought that he and Alyssa are "brave". He asked me why I thought that. I told him "because you and Alyssa have had a terrible thing happen in your lives, something that does not usually happen to kids as young as you are, and you still they keep going on, doing good in school, doing fun things". He seemed to like this version of bravery that I was describing.
So then I heard myself say out loud, "Okay Robin, you're just going to be brave and do this". That was it. End of story and no more thoughts of going home.
I went in and met the three people putting the program on. I was barely on time, but I was the first one there. We waited....but as it turned out, despite many people confirming that they would be present, no one showed. A woman explained to me that sometimes people have intentions of going but then at the last minute they can't find the courage to go.
So it was me and the three very nice people who run the program. They showed me a short movie and then we discussed some stuff and sure enough I was a complete basket case...wondering all the while how on earth I ever got in this seat, in this room, with these people, describing details about the traumatic death of the man that I planned on growing old with, the father of my children.
I am not sure at this point if the program will be held (I guess only if they can get more people to come since it's supposed to be a group session). I don't have any idea if it will help me in any way. I just know and feel that I cannot do nothing. I have to do something. I know that the path to a happy future for me and my children (as much as my mind can not comprehend that phrase-"happy future"), is through a combination of action, hope and facing the pain. Not shrinking away.
I could shrink away. I could deny my feelings, hold stuff in, try to forget the love that I have for Joe. But I know that will get me mediocrity and a lifetime of problems. I did not have a mediocre life and love before. I want the best for myself and for my children in the future, and I intend to take every step that I can find that has a hint of hope to get us there.