Many times in the last month when I've thought about Joe I have thought "how could I have been so STUPID to have loved this guy so much?". I know I have probably brought his idea up before in earlier posts, though I can't remember specifically. However, this theme has been on my mind lately. I actually think, and have said to a few people, that I pity anybody I am with in the future because I feel like I will never love again the way I loved Joe.
And that is absolutely 100% true. Because I am a different Robin, and there is no more Joe, so that love as it existed 9 months ago, is gone. God help me.
This loss has made me cynical, untrusting, and broken inside. As if all of you didn't already know that.
I understand the concept that the reason why I hurt so badly is because I loved so much...I get that risk/reward relationship. But I've got to admit that I've tinkered around with the idea of having a future that included a husband--minus the deep love-- that just got me through the years until I am done on this earth.
But who am I kidding? That's not me.
Those thoughts are from the grief-stricken haze that I live in now. I've got to constantly and consciously remind myself that my future is made up of a million choices along the way, and I have to let hope guide me.
So I would like to choose to add to the statement above:
"This loss has made me cynical, untrusting, and broken inside. Temporarily."
Right now that statement feels like a lie, but I will have hope that it's truth.