Thursday, March 27, 2008

Many times in the last month when I've thought about Joe I have thought "how could I have been so STUPID to have loved this guy so much?". I know I have probably brought his idea up before in earlier posts, though I can't remember specifically. However, this theme has been on my mind lately. I actually think, and have said to a few people, that I pity anybody I am with in the future because I feel like I will never love again the way I loved Joe.

And that is absolutely 100% true. Because I am a different Robin, and there is no more Joe, so that love as it existed 9 months ago, is gone. God help me.

This loss has made me cynical, untrusting, and broken inside. As if all of you didn't already know that.

I understand the concept that the reason why I hurt so badly is because I loved so much...I get that risk/reward relationship. But I've got to admit that I've tinkered around with the idea of having a future that included a husband--minus the deep love-- that just got me through the years until I am done on this earth.

But who am I kidding? That's not me.

Those thoughts are from the grief-stricken haze that I live in now. I've got to constantly and consciously remind myself that my future is made up of a million choices along the way, and I have to let hope guide me.

So I would like to choose to add to the statement above:

"This loss has made me cynical, untrusting, and broken inside. Temporarily."

Right now that statement feels like a lie, but I will have hope that it's truth.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Robin - I've commented anonymously before - we don't know each other, but have a couple of degrees of separation through mutual friends. I want to remind you that people read this and appreciate how you share your emotion. Many times it is very sad, but there is a way in which your blog makes me feel more alive, and reminds me to make the most of every minute, acknowledging that sometimes that involves just getting through the day. I don't know if this will make sense, but I was struck to comment by your line that a relationship without deep love is, "not me." I'm making a decision to leave a long-term relationship right now because it isn't filled with the emotion it is apparent that you and Joe shared, and that remains important to you. You *live*, even through your struggle, and that is inspiring! I wish you much peace and the deep love that you won't compromise on.

Anonymous said...

Robin, The Love that you shared with your husband was a blessing. Some people live a whole life time serching for what you had and never find....Yes, I do believe that with faith and hope you will find much peace and love. I think of that saying about It is better to have loved and have it taken away, than to never have known this kind of love at all...
May God grant you peace as you go through your journey of life...

Anonymous said...

that is the bravest, most courageous statement i have ever heard. there are no words to express how proud i am of you and how much i love you! mom

cindy said...

robin you are right where you are supposed to be. it took me 17 years to learn what you have learned in 9 months.take comfort in knowing what a diffrence you have made. alot of people look at things so diffrent now. god has a plan for you.it just takes time.god blessed you with joe and you will always have that ,and it will shape you into who you are supposed to be.

Steph said...

You're a different Robin.
I'm a different Stephanie.
So many of us are "different" now.

Joe's life changed us.

Thank you so much for loving him the way you did Robin. Your love was a part of who he was. Your love brought him to us, and for that we will always be grateful.