Thursday, April 24, 2008

Aw man I am struggling.


I can't really figure it out myself. Come on widows...I know you are out there. Help me out.

I feel somewhat embarrassed that tomorrow is 9 months to the day since the accident and I am at such a low point. I think I had a little grace period there where maybe my head was in the clouds. In the Fall as I have mentioned before I started having work done on my house and this project was a big distraction through the winter, in a good way. I was accomplishing things daily because I had to. Even if it was just staining windows and making choices about hinges and door pulls. I love that stuff. That was a therapy of sorts for me. Now despite the fact that I have A LOT more finish work to do, I have lost interest. I used the excuse before that I was waiting for the weather to get nicer so I could open a window and not force my kids to breath polyurethane fumes, but now the weather is nice and I haven't picked up a paintbrush once. So the bare wood around here stares at me all day. It's a chicken-or-the-egg type of scenario here though...I can't figure out if I am upset so I don't do the work or I don't do the work so I am upset. That is part of my problem and the reason why I bring that topic up is because at the end of all of those days I felt like I accomplished something in some strange way, or at least that things were moving forward. These days I don't feel like I accomplish anything.

So on top of a feeling like my days have no shape or direction, I have many issues floating in my head that are painful....Joe's birthday; the cemetery situation (stone/marker); Mother's Day; Luke's t-ball; summer; the constant roar of motorcycles which is so hard for me and, I believe, for my children; constant talk from Alyssa about daddy being (gulp...pause...) "dead"; Alyssa registering for pre-school; the police investigation into Joe's accident; lawyers; my loneliness; my missing and dealing with the fact that I will never look my husband in the eyes again, never; and many things that I cannot talk about here. I am just at a loss for some reason. Why all of these things, why all of this weight bearing down on me now?

I just want help. I want someone to guide me and give me answers. Tell me what is right and what is wrong and what I should be doing. I just don't know. I have always depended on my intellect and my heart to guide me. My intellect/mind is confused and my heart is broken. I am lost.

God please....let my darkest hour be behind me.


Anonymous said...

Robin, you are right where you are supposed to be. There is no timetable on greif.Right when you think everything is alright you go back to where you started. Thats O.K. Thats where you are. It's a long process,and your loss is so great that it is going to take time.There are no timtables here. You are writing what you feel which is healing you even if you don't feel like it. you have constant reminders of your loss and you try to help luke and allissa through it also. when you start to feel better then you feel guilty because you do feel better. keep talking, keep doing what your doing. god bless you robin.

Anonymous said...

God bless you Robin.

Anonymous said...

God is carrying you through this just like the set of foot prints in the sand......You may feel that your all alone through this but remember God promise in Hebrews 13:5 I will never leave you noe forsake you...Hang on to God's promise.....Love to all

Heather said...

Oh how I wish I had answers or helpful things to say. It would just be ridiculously foolish to pretend that I do. But I so wish I did for you Rob. I don't know anything about this, I just know that you are a good and deep and strong person. I *know* you are going to be o.k. But I also know that now you're in such pain. I love you and I am thinking of you every day.