Aw man I am struggling.

Why?

I can't really figure it out myself. Come on widows...I know you are out there. Help me out.

I feel somewhat embarrassed that tomorrow is 9 months to the day since the accident and I am at such a low point. I think I had a little grace period there where maybe my head was in the clouds. In the Fall as I have mentioned before I started having work done on my house and this project was a big distraction through the winter, in a good way. I was accomplishing things daily because I had to. Even if it was just staining windows and making choices about hinges and door pulls. I love that stuff. That was a therapy of sorts for me. Now despite the fact that I have A LOT more finish work to do, I have lost interest. I used the excuse before that I was waiting for the weather to get nicer so I could open a window and not force my kids to breath polyurethane fumes, but now the weather is nice and I haven't picked up a paintbrush once. So the bare wood around here stares at me all day. It's a chicken-or-the-egg type of scenario here though...I can't figure out if I am upset so I don't do the work or I don't do the work so I am upset. That is part of my problem and the reason why I bring that topic up is because at the end of all of those days I felt like I accomplished something in some strange way, or at least that things were moving forward. These days I don't feel like I accomplish anything.

So on top of a feeling like my days have no shape or direction, I have many issues floating in my head that are painful....Joe's birthday; the cemetery situation (stone/marker); Mother's Day; Luke's t-ball; summer; the constant roar of motorcycles which is so hard for me and, I believe, for my children; constant talk from Alyssa about daddy being (gulp...pause...) "dead"; Alyssa registering for pre-school; the police investigation into Joe's accident; lawyers; my loneliness; my missing and dealing with the fact that I will never look my husband in the eyes again, never; and many things that I cannot talk about here. I am just at a loss for some reason. Why all of these things, why all of this weight bearing down on me now?

I just want help. I want someone to guide me and give me answers. Tell me what is right and what is wrong and what I should be doing. I just don't know. I have always depended on my intellect and my heart to guide me. My intellect/mind is confused and my heart is broken. I am lost.

God please....let my darkest hour be behind me.