I think I have been recuperating from the last few weeks. I have relief that the hearing is over and I never really thought about life beyond that too much. Jordyn's Ride was on Saturday and that was an emotional day for me. I didn't think it would be really, and I didn't go or participate in any way, but just thinking about it made me so freaking sad. The bikers rode by the cemetery and I went there to be "with Joe" while they went by. I was there about a half hour early and I surprised myself because I basically sat there on the grass and cried hard for a long time. It's just so wrong that he's not here. I am still asking myself 11 months later how the hell this happened.
I also went to the cross for the first time ever, at the site of the accident. I did this on the day before the hearing. I could never bring myself to go there, much less stop my car and get out. That day I was feeling so worried about the hearing that I needed to just prove to myself that I was strong and I could face something difficult. So I faced the cross. It went okay. I sat there in front of it and looked at it for a long time. I will never stop missing Joe. And I will never stop loving him. But my love for him is different now. It is just as deep and just as much a part of me as it ever was. But it is more that I love the spirit of who he was, the way he lived, the way we loved each other and what that added to my life. It is unbelievably sad to lose that "being in love with" feeling with him. But the fact is that he is not here. And being "in love with" takes two people. It's just the way it is. It makes me cry sometimes because I am grieving not only the loss of this wonderful person and the father of my children, but also this great love of my life. That in itself is desperately sad. But I will be okay. I know that because although a lot of the things that happened in the past year were beyond my control, my future is not. That part is up to me. And I have the same desire that I did when I was 20, before even meeting Joe, that my life will be great. And somehow I know that at some point it will be again.