I am complex, but I like things simple

Some of you have inquired about my blog entry on Friday night (below dated Saturday May 31) where I wrote about wanting to break my windows, etc......and also worried as to why I was writing at 3 in the morning. I found it surprising that people would think that was weird...but then I remind myself that to people who spend time with me, on the outside I look and act okay. And I am "okay". My life is very full in many ways, but I do have this piece of myself that is always grieving/always sad/always missing/always angry/always wishing to break something. I used to have this "fantasy" of taking all my breakable dishes down to the basement and throwing them against the wall, one at a time. Now I guess it's switched to smashing windows. My house looks beautiful now with all it's new shingles and the changes that I made, but sometimes I look at it and I want to smash it back to the way it was before.

Regarding why I was blogging at 3am....the short answer is that I am a night person. I always go to bed pretty late but sometimes I'll fall asleep and wake up and stay up for a few hours and then go back to sleep again. I didn't use to be that way but that just seems to be the way it is now. I'm okay with it. I like the night time hours, especially the early, early morning hours. However, all that being said last Friday was a really hard night for me for lots of reasons, some regarding Joe and some not. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh what ever happened to my life?

The title of my post sums up how I feel right now. I am trying hard to sort things out in my head but I feel so confused a lot of the time because there are so many things to be thought about. I always feel like my mind is a jumble of information, and I can't formulate answers. Since everything feels so complex, I search for things and people that are simple, straight forward and true. Like my friend Jamie....she is....simple, straight forward and true. I love that and I feel so lucky to have her.