On July 25, 2008 I spent most of the morning doing errands for my upcoming weekend at camp. Grocery store, liquor store, pet store, etc. I felt like I was just walking in a fog, trying desperately not to think about exactly what I was doing last year at the same moment. It's weird to relive the last moments of your "real life as you know it" on the same date a year later.
I went home in the afternoon and did my hair and put on a black dress. I don't even know why, and I didn't know why at the time, but that is what felt right. Then I went to the cemetery and sat on the ground and told my husband how much I love him; how much I miss him; how I can't believe what happened still. I thanked him for everything he gave me. I told him I was sorry....for just............everything.
Then I left and went to Vermont.
When I wake up these days, part of me feels a little comforted that I have done this date before, and this time is definitely better than the last. Today is August 14 and it was -okay-. Last year August 14 was a nightmare I am sure. Though I can't be sure because I don't remember much of anything from the first weeks and months after the accident. It was all pure craziness. I would just sit and try to make sense of the jumble of things in my head. I tried to smile when I looked at my kids. I remember desperately wanting to reassure them that I was okay and we were okay and things would be okay. I was so afraid of what losing their father would do to them.
It is a relief that July 25, 2008 is over. But it is also so sad. A whole year without him. One minute I feel like it was just yesterday that I saw him. The next minute it feels like it's been a lifetime. A year. The worst year of my life, by far. I hope I never have another one like it.