I've gone weeks in that past year without shedding any tears. At one point I just thought there were none left in me, and that could have been true. At another point I just think I was like "what's the point?" and just felt hardened to tears. But for the past few weeks, they've been back. Just as many as ever.
I am sure some of you can relate. Some days are just what I call in my head "weepy". Like, I could cry at any second. Today I was waiting for Alyssa to finish up at preschool and I was watching her swing from my car. She was pumping her legs, swinging all by herself, something she's worked hard on since school started. She was singing at the top of her lungs as she always does. I burst into tears while I watched her. It is so sad to me that she is living without her father. But I remind myself of the alternative and that's even worse. Sometimes when I am looking at a happy sight (like her swinging) and feeling the sadness, I put another picture in my head....the picture of how it could be if my kids were not doing well....I imagine her sitting by herself on the edge of the playground looking sad and not talking to anyone, not playing. That is worse, I know. And that kind of snaps me out of my moment....and I just try to be thankful to be seeing this happy, spirited, loving 4-year-old. I am truly thankful for my kids and so many things, but my gosh, I feel like everything sucks at the same time.
Which brings me to another topic: guilt. I've probably talked about it before here, but I have a lot of guilt that I feel so bad still. The guilt comes from that I have so much in so many ways, I feel like I have everything a person could ask for, yet I am missing my husband so much it makes everything else seem less in some way. It's weird but I feel like it's been such a long time (14 months) since this all happened on one hand and on the other hand I feel like it was yesterday. I feel like some things are better in a sense....I don't sleep with a flashlight anymore; I don't count the days and weeks since I've seen him; I don't look at the clock every day at 5 and think of him walking through the door; I don't hold my breath every Wednesday at 5:30 and I don't sit by myself and stare for hours after my kids go to bed. I do however have a deep, seemingly endless, desperate longing to see him. I miss him in a way that seems to grow every day. I want to see his face. I want to feel his presence. I can't even describe the feeling properly. There are just no words.
I feel like I should be moving on more, like I should start to feel better about all of this. I know none of it will ever feel good, but at least I should be starting to build a different life for myself or have an idea of what it will look and be like. I just don't. I still feel like I am just getting by. I wake up some mornings and things are NOT OKAY. Nothing precipitates it, I just wake up and the world is not right. I hate that. And I hate admitting it more, because it makes me feel like I am not moving forward, not accepting, not acheiving.