Monday, October 6, 2008

I've gone weeks in that past year without shedding any tears. At one point I just thought there were none left in me, and that could have been true. At another point I just think I was like "what's the point?" and just felt hardened to tears. But for the past few weeks, they've been back. Just as many as ever.

I am sure some of you can relate. Some days are just what I call in my head "weepy". Like, I could cry at any second. Today I was waiting for Alyssa to finish up at preschool and I was watching her swing from my car. She was pumping her legs, swinging all by herself, something she's worked hard on since school started. She was singing at the top of her lungs as she always does. I burst into tears while I watched her. It is so sad to me that she is living without her father. But I remind myself of the alternative and that's even worse. Sometimes when I am looking at a happy sight (like her swinging) and feeling the sadness, I put another picture in my head....the picture of how it could be if my kids were not doing well....I imagine her sitting by herself on the edge of the playground looking sad and not talking to anyone, not playing. That is worse, I know. And that kind of snaps me out of my moment....and I just try to be thankful to be seeing this happy, spirited, loving 4-year-old. I am truly thankful for my kids and so many things, but my gosh, I feel like everything sucks at the same time.

Which brings me to another topic: guilt. I've probably talked about it before here, but I have a lot of guilt that I feel so bad still. The guilt comes from that I have so much in so many ways, I feel like I have everything a person could ask for, yet I am missing my husband so much it makes everything else seem less in some way. It's weird but I feel like it's been such a long time (14 months) since this all happened on one hand and on the other hand I feel like it was yesterday. I feel like some things are better in a sense....I don't sleep with a flashlight anymore; I don't count the days and weeks since I've seen him; I don't look at the clock every day at 5 and think of him walking through the door; I don't hold my breath every Wednesday at 5:30 and I don't sit by myself and stare for hours after my kids go to bed. I do however have a deep, seemingly endless, desperate longing to see him. I miss him in a way that seems to grow every day. I want to see his face. I want to feel his presence. I can't even describe the feeling properly. There are just no words.

I feel like I should be moving on more, like I should start to feel better about all of this. I know none of it will ever feel good, but at least I should be starting to build a different life for myself or have an idea of what it will look and be like. I just don't. I still feel like I am just getting by. I wake up some mornings and things are NOT OKAY. Nothing precipitates it, I just wake up and the world is not right. I hate that. And I hate admitting it more, because it makes me feel like I am not moving forward, not accepting, not acheiving.


Anonymous said...

You don't know me personally but I am Katie's sister-n-law. I lost my husband Dennis almost a year ago on 10/22/07. I can relate to so much of what you are feeling and going through. I have read some of your posts before and went on today and felt the need to respond. I thought that I was going to feel alittle better coming up on a year but I don't. I can only speak for myself but I think for me I was very numb throughout this past year. The times when I wasn't numb were unbearable. Don't get me wrong I still have moments were I am still numb(which I prefer) but I feel like the dust has settled and me and my 3 girls are left with the reality that this is our life now without Dennis which we did not choose, it chose us. Like you and your children our future that we thought we knew was taken just like that. So unfair. I know that I have so many things to be thankful for but just wish I was sharing them with my husband as I'm sure you probably feel the same. I also feel alot of guilt for so many things for one that I am here and Dennis cannot be and that I couldn't save him. The list could go on but I won't do that to you. Just know that I believe that when you have and love someone so special that it probably means it is going to take time and there just can't be a time limit on it unfornuantly. I have heard that your husband Joe was a very special guy. Thinking of you and your children. Hang in there I know how extremely hard this is because I too had a very special husband. With Love, Jodi Rich

cindy said...

Robin you are accepting and thats why it sucks so bad.

xianfern said...

I think you are moving forward, accepting and acheiving.. that moment with your daughter wouldn't have happened if you weren't...take care!

Krit said...

This post reminds me of a song. Wonderful World by James Morrison. I dont know how you feel about it but listening to music that relates to me and what I'm going through helps me.