Wednesday, October 15, 2008

This hurts to talk about and I never have put it into words before this.

For as long as I can remember I always had this feeling inside me that something big was going to happen in my life. That I was always moving towards this "thing"; that I had no worries for the future because there was something, something, something that was going to happen. I have never known what this thing was. I have had times when I thought it was career oriented. I have had times when I thought it was personally oriented. I have had times when I thought I was going to discover some talent that I didn't know I had and it was going to be lead me somewhere fulfilling. To be honest, I never gave it too much thought at once though, it's just a feeling I've always had in me for as far back as I can remember. I would describe it as a little flicker of light inside of me that I never spoke of or talked about, it was just part of me and it gave me a sort of peaceful feeling. I am not even sure I am making sense with this.

When Joe died last year, I literally felt that light fade, and go out. I felt for the first time in my life that I can remember, no light, no flicker, no peaceful feelings for the future. I spent weeks and months wondering, "Is this what I've been moving towards my whole life? Is this the end, the "big thing" that was going to happen to me? That I was going to lose my husband, the father of my children, become a widow?" THIS?? Now I am here and the flame is gone, like my journey has ended. It was devastating. It is devastating. I have cried many tears thinking about this and feeling the deadness inside of me. The darkness. I have begged for the the light to go back on. I can't make sense of any of it. I thought the light was mine. I feel betrayed in a way because I thought I was moving towards something good. It offered me peace but in the end what it gave me was endless pain.


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5 comments:

Anonymous said...

That light will flicker again. In time it will be lit.

Steph said...

Maybe that light is just very very faint right now because of all of the darkness surrounding it. Pain. Loss. Anger. Depression. Grief. Lonliness. To me, all of these emotions are heavy and suffocating. Perhaps as this season of grieving eases more and more light will fill your soul again.
It seems natural, or understandable, to me that you would feel this way at this point in your life but I don't think you'll feel like this forever and I don't think you do either. Brighter days are coming...hold on. And please know that even in your darkest hours your light is still shining for those of us who are inspired by you and your journey through the most difficult of life's circumstances.
Your strength is a gift to us all.
We're pulling for you.

cindy said...

Robin your mother showed me books years ago that i still read. IYANLA VANZANT; YOU HAVE SURVIVED LIFE THREATENING, LIFE ALTERING CRISIS AND CHALLENGE TO PROVE ONE POINT: THAT YOU CAN AND HAVE SURVIVED! BE AT PEACE WITH THE WAY YOU PROVED THE POINT. God bless you and yours.

Anonymous said...

Robin, Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking and praying for us all to have a peace and understanding tht I believe that God will give us soon. I know that Joey,s Love is all around us I se Him through my grandchildren,s eyes and know that the Love that he showed us all how to live unconditionally will never die. Death may have taken him for awhile but It cannot steal our memories and we all have sweet ones of those. I believe that God is opening up new doors for this family and He is going to poor out His blessings upon us. We may never know the reasoning on why all this has happened on this earth but when it is all revealed to us later in eternity we will be at awe. You are an incredible Mom and I thank you for loving my son and giving him two beautiful children to carry out his legend. The light that you may not see right now is still there. Jesus will brighten it in your darkest hours. Yes this whole thing is devastating and sucks. Someday I will se my son again but until then I am here for all my children to try and stay strong for you all. I also feel that God has been putting us through this because He knows us better than we know ouselves and we are revealing God,s heart towards othes.We are all on a journey of life. It,s what happens in eternity forever and ever when we will have no more tears or saddness and be together forever and ever.......I love you Robin. Meme

Heather said...

Robin, I'm just getting to your blog today as I have a few minutes (finally) to sit down and read it. I have to comment on this post. I know this might seem weird (especially to write this on a public blog), but I'm going to say it anyway because I feel very strongly about it:
I too have always seen a "light" in you and have always felt very strongly that you are going to have a big life/do something big with your life. I can't describe it really. I just have always known that in my heart. It is a feeling I've always had about you. I thought that long before you ever even met Joe. Joe was a SPARK of a guy-- he had a way of making lights brighter. He had a way of lighting up a room. For sure. No doubt. But your light was always there too -- not more bright or more dull with him. And, at least from my perspective, that light in you is still there now. I still believe that something 'big' is to come of you and your life. I don't have any idea what it is. But I still have that belief. The light probably feels like it faded when Joe died... that is totally 100% understandable given what you're going through. But the flame is still there, it is just surrounded by so much darkness right now. You are getting through this. And you are still you. And you are a truly amazing and unusual person. I don't think the pain of your loss will ever fully leave, but I do think that your peaceful feeling will come back to you more and more over time. And I am always watching to see what will happen next with you. Because I do believe the same things as what you describe about your life.
Love,
Heather