This hurts to talk about and I never have put it into words before this.
For as long as I can remember I always had this feeling inside me that something big was going to happen in my life. That I was always moving towards this "thing"; that I had no worries for the future because there was something, something, something that was going to happen. I have never known what this thing was. I have had times when I thought it was career oriented. I have had times when I thought it was personally oriented. I have had times when I thought I was going to discover some talent that I didn't know I had and it was going to be lead me somewhere fulfilling. To be honest, I never gave it too much thought at once though, it's just a feeling I've always had in me for as far back as I can remember. I would describe it as a little flicker of light inside of me that I never spoke of or talked about, it was just part of me and it gave me a sort of peaceful feeling. I am not even sure I am making sense with this.
When Joe died last year, I literally felt that light fade, and go out. I felt for the first time in my life that I can remember, no light, no flicker, no peaceful feelings for the future. I spent weeks and months wondering, "Is this what I've been moving towards my whole life? Is this the end, the "big thing" that was going to happen to me? That I was going to lose my husband, the father of my children, become a widow?" THIS?? Now I am here and the flame is gone, like my journey has ended. It was devastating. It is devastating. I have cried many tears thinking about this and feeling the deadness inside of me. The darkness. I have begged for the the light to go back on. I can't make sense of any of it. I thought the light was mine. I feel betrayed in a way because I thought I was moving towards something good. It offered me peace but in the end what it gave me was endless pain.