Monday, November 3, 2008

Once every summer on the way to camp I stop at the cemetery where all of my grandparents are buried. I used to go and really not know what to do while I was there. I would stand at each of the graves and think about them, but it felt I was missing something. I would always leave feeling kind of confused but glad that I went, and thankful that I knew each of them. A few years ago I decided I would paint some rocks and leave them there. I collected 4 rocks and they sat in my house for a long time. Those rocks ended up being painted for Joe on father's day.

I did not go to my grandparent's cemetery in 2007.

This year when I went it was a completely different experience for me. I was alone for one, no kids in the car. I stood at each grave and I cried (understatement), hard and for a long time. I was a complete mess. I had feelings of wanting to scream, to drop to the ground and ask WHY. WHY does it all end up like this? Why did it all end up like this? I felt a deep loss for each of my grandparents in a way I had not felt before. I felt sorrow in a different way. We know from the time we are young that people die when they get "old". My grandparents all lived long lives, and at the time I accepted that it was their time to die. I was sad and I miss them, but I think I was preoccupied with how my parents were feeling. I did not allow myself to feel the deep sorrow of loss for myself. In my grief group they said that a death will often bring up old unresolved issues from past losses that were not dealt with. I think that is what I was experiencing that day.

When I left the cemetery I was not confused or thinking I was thankful to have known my grandparents. I was angry that the world seems to be so hurtful, that we live and love and our bodies end up in the ground. It all seemed cruel.

When I was there I could not believe that my husband is with my grandparents. That he is also in a cemetery. He never got the chance to be old. It's all crazy to me.


Anonymous said...

yes, our bodies do end up in the ground. some sooner, some later. what does not go in the ground is our spirit, essence, soul, whatever name you want to give to it. that goes back to its real home whatever you want to call that. heaven, the universe. there are many ideas about that. we are energy that never dies. it goes home. it goes back to the source. we do not die. i know that someday when my body dies,i will be with the people that i know and love. i could not survive if i didn't believe that. what would be the use of this tiny life we have here on earth. that is what God is all about. love, mom

Anonymous said...

I have to second that emotion on what your mom is saying. I know that my son is still with us all in spirit and I know that he will be the first to greet me....Joey is alive through the legency of your beautiful children that God has given to you. I thank God for the wife that you have been to my son. Papa and I love you very much. Love Meme