Two Years

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Still can't....

Listen to Pearl Jam in our house.

Delete your last emails to me.

See or hear a motorcycle without thinking of you and what happened.

Drive past the spot where you died without feeling an intense feeling of not knowing what to do.

Bring our children to the cemetery.

Go through your hockey bag.

Look at videos of you.

Get over the fact that you, my closest love in the entire world, died on the pavement.

Get over the fact that you, my closest love in the entire world, died without me there.

Look at pictures of you without holding my breath.

Make peace with the reality that our children will grow up without you.

Go to a school event without you and have it feel normal.

Change my facebook status to single.

Make your closet mine.

Take your sign off the garage.

Process all the things that died that day along with you.

Be anything other than devastated at how "we" ended.
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Two years is a long time in some respects, but not when it comes to the death of someone you love deeply. I don't know if my mind will ever truly heal from the shock, horror and tragedy of what happened two years ago. And I don't know if my heart can ever heal from being so brutally betrayed by life.
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ugh.
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courage does not always roar.
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sometimes courage is the quiet voice
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at the end of the day saying,
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"I will try again tomorrow"

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Mary Anne Radmacher

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When all the commotion and chaos of preparation clears, I feel the ache and deep emptiness that leaves me short of breath. Going on vacation without him. It's too much.
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