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On December 24th I was not sure how I was going to make it through the next two days. I'm not sure why, but the holidays seem to get harder. I was constantly on the verge....having a mental conversation in my head...to just keep going....don't think, just do......keep busy, keep planning, keep talking, keep moving, keep passing time, keep going. Anytime I started to have a quiet moment or really look around me at what was happening, I would just tell myself, "put it aside, think about it later". Finally it was December 26.

I love my kids so much, and I don't want to wish their special days away, but I am glad it's over for now. I hope when they grow up they have nothing but good memories of magical Christmases, and I hope they have not even an inkling of feeling that I wanted the time to pass quickly. It's all so complicated, the deep desire to fulfill my childrens wishes, and the deep sadness to see them fulfilled without Joe being here to see it too.

I am sad that this is the last year probably that Luke will believe in Santa- really sad. It's further evidence that time will indeed go on without Joe. My kids are going to grow up. This is how it's going to be.
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