Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I am having a hard time being a single-widowed-mother of young children.

Having young children is challenging for all parents under all different circumstances, I think, right? I just.....I find my patience so lacking and I'm sick of hearing my own voice constantly reprimanding them. Nothing gets done without me spearheading it. No socks get found, no drink gets poured, no meal prepared, no groceries fill the cupboards, no grass gets cut, no schedule followed, on and on. It's endless. I KNOW! I can hear you all thinking, "hey, that's what being a parent is for everyone" and I know that. I am just sick of it at the moment. I'm tired of hearing whining (Alyssa's current favorite tone to use) and I want some stuff to get done without having to beg or explain or ask 10 times. I want to see a little initiative without having to be told everything. I want someone else to pick up a few things for me at the store on their way home (obviously not happening); I want someone else thinking when the grass needs to be cut; or the house needs to be powerwashed, or the deck needs to be built. I'm just so sick of it all. Sick of it. It's stressful. Every moment someone or some*thing* in my life is being neglected. If I am working on a project or doing stuff around my house (constant) I feel guilty for not spending time with my kids. If I am out doing errands while the kids are in school I feel guilty I am not taking my dog for a walk. If I am hanging out with my kids I am neglecting all my chores. It's endless. Endless. A constant cycle of thoughts of what I should be doing and feeling like I never do anything right. It makes me short-tempered and no fun to be around.

So to my babies, I am sorry.

Most days I feel like I am just barely holding everything together. I feel like I should be better at this. I am not working yet still I feel like I can't get my shit together enough to have everything run smoothly. I am stressed and full of guilt. On top of this I am trying to work out my own life, make sense of myself and who I see when I look in the mirror. I get so angry at the state of my life (followed of course by tremendous guilt because I am blessed with so many wonderful people and things). I am angry though that I married a man who only got to live a short life; that my children utter the phrase "I don't have a dad" to new kids they meet (of course despite me telling them the obvious contrary and giving them alternate responses---but they are too young and so are the kids they are talking to to understand any of it); angry that I have to raise my children without their father present in any way; angry that all the responsibility is placed on me. And I feel incapable at times and not up to the challenge because I have issues on my own to work out. I just don't know. I was definitely a work-in-progress before Joe died. My own problems didn't disappear that day. They are all still with me. And on top of them a lot more stuff that needs attention.