It has been 8 weeks since I've seen Joe.
Actually I saw him once since then but that is something that is difficult for me to think about. In fact, many days at the cemetery I say, "I can't believe I saw you that way" and I mean it. I really can't believe that I saw my husband with no life in him. It is just so awful and so complex.
8 weeks is a long time to be separated from someone that you deeply love. These are some things, after 8 weeks, that I have not been able to get used to. These things still have a particular sting for me:
- Seeing only one toothbrush in the holder.
- Catching a glimpse of certain pictures hanging in my house.
- Hearing the roar of motorcycles outside my house.
- His shoes under the entry way table that I have not moved, and I don't know why not.
- Seeing his clothes around his bureau.
- Seeing our 2 special glasses that we used only on Friday nights, and which no one else has ever used.
- Riding by the accident site, in fact I often go around it.
- Seeing his truck in the driveway.
- Sleeping alone.
- Seeing his last emails in my inbox, dated July 25.
- When I hit "j" when I start an email and it comes up "Joe Chalifour".
- Going to the grocery store and planning meals.
I guess it was a little early to write that list. I think I could go on and on. The last item, regarding groceries is something that I would not have anticipated. Maybe it's because Hannaford was the last place that Joe went, but I feel so lost when I am there. I realized that I pretty much made all of our meals with Joe in mind. The kids are generally good about eating what they are given. Now that Joe is gone, I feel like I don't even know what to buy. I tend to wait until the last minute, until I run out of stuff and then go in and out for the necessities. Many times when I am in there I feel like I am on the verge of tears. Anyway, hopefully my list of things that stings gets shorter.