Roads

When I am out driving around going about my daily business I cannot escape the thoughts of what happened and where. The road that the accident occurred on is one that I use almost daily. The site of the accident is 4 1/2 miles from my house.
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There is a stretch on one road I often travel that goes up a small hill and when I ride on it now I think "this is the last place where I was when my life was my life". Once I got to the top of that hill that day, everything changed.
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When I got to the top of the hill I saw blue lights and I thought..."uh oh there must have been an accident there"...not really surprised since it's kind of a bad intersection. As I came to a stop at the light I looked to the right and I saw a motorcycle down. I said "bike down" out loud and I picked up my cell phone. My mind raced to how 20 minutes earlier I had been in Portsmouth and called Joe to tell him I was on my way home...he did not pick up...but I thought he must have been outside on the deck or something. I kept dialing the cell phone and kept getting the answering machine. I kept saying "no, no, no" to myself and I was driving in a fog.
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When I pulled into the driveway, the garage door was down and the front door was shut just the way I left it 2 hours before. These were not good signs. I opened the car door and ran up the stairs. I kept saying "no, no, no" in a very quiet and pleading way. I got to the door...still locked...not good. I opened the door and started yelling Joe's name. There was no answer.
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No one in the house.
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Empty.
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It was the worst moment of my life.
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The feelings are indescribable.
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I have often wished I could erase that moment and the next few hours from my mind. I picture a pencil eraser just moving across my brain taking that little section out. I don't know if that's a good idea, to take those memories away. But I can tell you that my mind knows despair beyond the bounds of what I ever thought possible.
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I wonder how long it will be before I use that road and go up that hill without thinking, "this is the last place where I was when my life was my life".