Thursday, September 6, 2007


When I am out driving around going about my daily business I cannot escape the thoughts of what happened and where. The road that the accident occurred on is one that I use almost daily. The site of the accident is 4 1/2 miles from my house.
There is a stretch on one road I often travel that goes up a small hill and when I ride on it now I think "this is the last place where I was when my life was my life". Once I got to the top of that hill that day, everything changed.
When I got to the top of the hill I saw blue lights and I thought..."uh oh there must have been an accident there"...not really surprised since it's kind of a bad intersection. As I came to a stop at the light I looked to the right and I saw a motorcycle down. I said "bike down" out loud and I picked up my cell phone. My mind raced to how 20 minutes earlier I had been in Portsmouth and called Joe to tell him I was on my way home...he did not pick up...but I thought he must have been outside on the deck or something. I kept dialing the cell phone and kept getting the answering machine. I kept saying "no, no, no" to myself and I was driving in a fog.
When I pulled into the driveway, the garage door was down and the front door was shut just the way I left it 2 hours before. These were not good signs. I opened the car door and ran up the stairs. I kept saying "no, no, no" in a very quiet and pleading way. I got to the door...still locked...not good. I opened the door and started yelling Joe's name. There was no answer.
No one in the house.
It was the worst moment of my life.
The feelings are indescribable.
I have often wished I could erase that moment and the next few hours from my mind. I picture a pencil eraser just moving across my brain taking that little section out. I don't know if that's a good idea, to take those memories away. But I can tell you that my mind knows despair beyond the bounds of what I ever thought possible.
I wonder how long it will be before I use that road and go up that hill without thinking, "this is the last place where I was when my life was my life".


Steph said...

I know that the despair I feel cannot compare to yours, but I want you to know that that night, those hours, were the worst moments of my life too. I wish I could find that pencil eraser for you and do exactly as you wish. I can't do anything and it's breaking my heart.

Katie said...

What you last said is a metaphor to me. You are on a road and travelling up this steep hill, wondering how in the world you will get through this.
I am familiar with the top of that hill as well since I drive by it every single day. I often have thought that too-- when will I not stare at the surroundings, when will it not feel awful every time I drive by?
I wish so many things could be different. I just hope and pray that somehow this gets easier.

Heather said...

Oh my God Robin. I don't know what to say. I'm thinking of you constantly. Love, Heather