I want everything to go back to normal. I want to put the kids to bed with my husband. I want to sit in the living room and watch a tv show while he falls asleep on the couch with his arms folded. I want to him to kiss me goodbye before he goes to work and hear him start up his motorcycle in the driveway. I want my inbox to have emails that say Joe Chalifour. I want phone calls from him. I want to hear his voice and see his face. I want to do the regular...mundane...every day stuff we used to do.
I want to stop thinking about death and the kids growing up with no father. I want to stop thinking about if I am going to be in pain forever. I want to stop wondering what the rest of my life will be like. I want to stop worrying about how I am going to get through the day. I want to stop worrying about what painful thing that I am missing that I haven't thought of yet. I want to stop wondering if I will be alone for the rest of my life. I want to stop worrying about the kids' future despair.
I need a break from this and there is no peace. There is no solution. There is no place for me to go. There is no comfort.
I feel vulnerable and crazy for writing this stuff in "public". But it's the truth.