Thursday, August 30, 2007

...

I want everything to go back to normal. I want to put the kids to bed with my husband. I want to sit in the living room and watch a tv show while he falls asleep on the couch with his arms folded. I want to him to kiss me goodbye before he goes to work and hear him start up his motorcycle in the driveway. I want my inbox to have emails that say Joe Chalifour. I want phone calls from him. I want to hear his voice and see his face. I want to do the regular...mundane...every day stuff we used to do.
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I want to stop thinking about death and the kids growing up with no father. I want to stop thinking about if I am going to be in pain forever. I want to stop wondering what the rest of my life will be like. I want to stop worrying about how I am going to get through the day. I want to stop worrying about what painful thing that I am missing that I haven't thought of yet. I want to stop wondering if I will be alone for the rest of my life. I want to stop worrying about the kids' future despair.
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I need a break from this and there is no peace. There is no solution. There is no place for me to go. There is no comfort.
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I feel vulnerable and crazy for writing this stuff in "public". But it's the truth.

8 comments:

Kim said...

Robin, every part of me aches for you. Keep writing, we're listening.

Amanda said...

We are here Robin ... just as Kim said we think of you and pray for you and the kids non-stop, we ache and hurt with you/for you.
Were listening ...

Jessi said...

Robin:
There is so much I want to say, but let me start with; I read every word- everyday. I think of you constantly. My heart breaks to read your pain. Writing has always brought you comfort, and like your sister said, we are ALL listening.

JoAnn said...

robin, i'm sorry. sorry you have to do this. sorry this happened. i wish i could fix everything for you. my heart breaks every time i think of your pain. please know i love you very much and i am, and always have been proud to be your sister, even if i dont say it.

Heather said...

thinking of you Rob
hbj

Steph said...

I love you Robin.

Tracey said...

Robin,
I know Joe's love for you will give you the strength you'll need to get through this. Keep staying strong and just breathe!!
I love you!!

Katie said...

Robin,
Some of the things you share on this blog leave me so sad and speechless. When you identify with your feelings and your pain out loud, it is so difficult for me to hear. I think it's because you are Joe's wife and you know him like no one else. It breaks my heart to hear about the little things, the daily stuff that you are missing him for. I wish so much that this didn't happen. You guys had a wonderful relationship and he was such a special guy. One in a million.
I am always thinking of you. Even when I don't write a comment, it's only because I can't find the right things to say. I wish I had something, anything for you that would make any of this better.