A few days ago Joe's brother, Jeff, and I were in contact via email. There is part of an email that I wrote to him that keeps repeating in my head over and over. When I was typing the words in this email it was true and pure to how I feel. This is the part I keep thinking about:
....."I can't go back to my life before I was with Joe because I have two young children to take care of. It was always Joe's wish for me to stay home with our kids and I did that, and here I am. I love my children Jeff, with all my heart, and there is nothing I would not do for them, but I lived for Joe. He was everything to me. I always knew my children were going to grow up and live their own lives and have their own families. But Joe was mine forever. I just don't know how to face the future without him."
In all fairness, there should have been another line at the end of this email. It would read:
"But I will."
I will face the future as crappy as it looks right now.
I feel somewhat vulnerable to admit that "I lived for Joe". It's not as pathetic as it sounds though, since we were in a good, healthy, equally-loving relationship. However, this topic of how much of myself was wrapped up in Joe is something I think about often these days.