There is a conversation that I have wanted to have with Luke for quite some time, but I knew I had to wait until the moment was right. It could not be forced in order to be effective.
He is very difficult to talk to about Joe because basically, he does not talk about it. He swears he does not think about his dad very often. I have not been able to figure out if this is true or if he doesn't want to admit it for some reason, a reason that he may not even understand. I am hoping that at some point I understand him better in terms of this loss.
I know that when Luke hears about someone dying (anyone), he gets a look on his face that I can best describe as "stress" and he gets a little teary. He often starts acting silly or physical in some way.
So what happened today... and this is a very small point but one that I wanted Luke to understand because I have a feeling that he worries about me and my loss. We were sitting on the couch, and Alyssa was on the floor sleeping (exhausted from a night full of throwing up, begging for drinks and generally just being awfully sick).
Luke asked me..."What are you thinking about?" (this is a question he often asks me now when I am quiet, looking away or whatever).
Robin: "I am thinking about how tired I am." (I meant that literally, just tired from being up all night with Alyssa)
Luke: "I was thinking about daddy."
Robin: "Oh...What were you thinking?"
Luke: "Nothing." At this point Luke started jabbering about baseball. He often does this and pushing him to get him to talk or elaborate does not work.
Robin: "I miss your dad so much Luke. I wish he was here right now".
Luke: quiet....not saying anything.
Robin: "Luke, I want you to know something...I want you to know that mommy has always had a great life. I had a great life before I met daddy and I wish we had more time with him, and even though I am so sad right now, I know I will have great future....and I know that you and Alyssa are going to also have great lives because I am your mommy and I am going to make sure of it".
Luke: "Before daddy??" (This reaction was like music to my ears....and it was exactly what I was expecting....and the reason why I wanted to have this conversation with Luke. He doesn't know or think that there was ever a mommy without daddy...why would he know this? I believe that this is part of why he would worry about me. I wanted him to know that I had a good life before I ever met Joe, because it might give him some confidence in our future.
Robin: "Yes Luke, mommy had a really good life before I ever even met your dad. I was 23 when I met him and I knew him for 12 years".
That's where the conversation ended. There was no jabbering anymore from Luke, no weird looks...no silliness. He just looked at me contentedly and did not say anything.
I know my son, and I know that this small piece of information gives him a new way to think about things.