Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I have not been doing well. There's no big breakdown or crazy happening to report, just generally feeling awful, horrible, inexplicably terrible and dead inside. I have had glimpes of coming out of a that maybe some of this is becoming real to me that this is my life and I have to accept it, but those glimpses are short-lived and strange to try to explain. I don't think that anyone would know how I feel from one day to the next, or one hour to the next, because I pretty much remain constant in my mood, which I would describe as "normal"....not too happy, not too sad....just normal.
But then, maybe I don't know how I appear. How do I appear to you who have been around me? Happy? Sad? Normal?
Generally speaking I do not cry a lot but feel I am always on the verge of tears. But you would not know it. It is not a good feeling.
Generally speaking my method of coping is to just keep going. Going, going, going. Projects, kids, sleep, write, clean...just keep going.
It's not that I am trying not to think about Joe or not think about what has happened. I think about him 90% of every day. I just need to keep doing stuff because then at least I have accomplished something.
I just wish I could accomplish something that gave me an ounce of relief from the pain.


Steph said...

Every single day at least one person asks me how you are doing.
My answer is that you are doing as well as a person possibly can who is coping with this kind of loss. I mean that. I know inside it may not feel like you are coping well but that's how we see it out here. The word "amazing" is used alot in conjunction with your name. I think that your method of coping, to just keep going, to do the next thing, is healthy. I think that writing here about your heartbreak and pain is healthy. I think that concentrating on others,on projects and on the kids is healthy. I think that keeping routines and changing things that are hard, like hoidays, is healthy. I don't know when or if there will ever be any relief of the pain. Perhaps it would be helpful to find some professional grief counceling at this point to find out if there are other healhty tools that you can incorporate into your life as you try to move forward. Maybe there you can say all of the things you don't say here on this blog...because I have a feeling there is so much you shield us from. Whatever you do, no matter how long it takes, you have all of us on your side lifting you up.
One way or another, you will find a way through this pain.

Heather said...

I have to just ditto everything Steph said. I feel exactly the same way as Steph- even though I never see you in person. I have no idea how a human being can get through what you're going through. You seem to be doing everything right- but, like Steph said, my guess is that people with training in this (grief counselors, etc.) would have ideas that we could never come up with on our own. My heart just aches for you Rob. Hold on--- you are accomplishing something huge: getting through each and every day.
Keep on keepin' on,
lots and lots of love,