Tonight I was talking to my sister JoAnn on the phone. She said something that my mind has trouble making sense of. In a nutshell, it is this:
"Some day you will be okay".
When I hear that it does not make sense to me. It's like if someone pointed to the moon and said "the moon is purple", and that's supposed to make sense. What I mean is this:
Being with Joe = "Okay"
Joe = never coming back
I will never be with Joe again = life will never be okay.
My problem does not have a solution it seems. Nothing in the world will change the fact that Joe is not coming back.
I know that I have asked people to tell me that this will all be okay some day. I guess I just have to keep hearing it and maybe at some point I might be able to understand or feel how it might be true.
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2 comments:
"THIS" will never be okay.
But you will survive it.
You told Luke you would be okay and you were right.
Keep believing.
It is incredibly, rediculously hard, but there you are, surviving it. Some days you lead those of us who are grieving with you, and some days we pull you along. That's how it goes I guess. I know that I could not survive this without your help and without the help of our friends and family. I was not Joe's wife, or parent or sibling or child, but my life has be profoundly and irrevocably changed. My struggle is to make sure the change is positive and not negative. Part of me wants to dwell in the pain and sadness and anger and the only reason I don't is because I imagine Joe watching me from somewhere and I know that he would never want to be the reason that I stopped living this life as fully as I can. Joe will always be a part of my life. Always. He is a source of strength for me. As you are. I know you'd rather not be, but you are a hero to me and to countless others. You are a survivor. You WILL be okay.
One thing I keep thinking about is this~~
The difference between "good" and "good enough." For example, I always think to myself, "Am I a good mother? Oh no! I'm not a GOOD mother!?!" And that freaks me out. But when I think, "Am I a good enough mother?" Then I think, "Wow, um, yes, I guess so-- I *am* a good enough mother!" And that makes me feel like things are RELATIVELY o.k. All of us truly believe that you will, ultimately, be okay (as hard as that might be for you to believe sometimes Rob, we really do believe that about you -- Robin, that is how we *see* you and your life because we know you and our vantage point is *so* different from yours right now). However, even though those around you feel that way, maybe for *YOU* it will be a long, long, long time until you feel truly okay (maybe now you need to even feel that you will never be truly okay; and your feelings are just that: feelings -- and thus, legitimate no matter what)... But... (and this is a big but...)... maybe for the time being -- however long that period of time is -- the focus can just simply be on being "okay enough." Maybe for now being "okay enough" is 'good enough.' Maybe right now it is okay to not be okay, but to be simply 'okay enough.'
Thinking of you with lots of love today,
Big strong hugs,
Heather
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