Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Weeks later I am still trying to figure all this out.

I have been able to realize now that I have two separate areas of loss that I am dealing with (this is all aside from Luke and Alyssa). One part is trauma and one part is deep sadness.

The "trauma", and I have no idea if that is the right word, is remembering (involuntarily) the night and days immediately following the accident. It is words that people said to me, things that I saw, things that I heard, thinking about other people's reactions, events that took place. This stuff flashes into my mind and some of it makes me lose my breath and it is a sharp/stabbing/hurtful/desperate kind of pain. Weeks later I still don't know what to do with those feelings. I still have the same question as to whether or not I can stuff that somewhere deep within and hope it doesn't ever come out again. Or I wonder if I am supposed to voluntarily face the thoughts that are so painful that I can't even deal with them, and don't seem to fade in intensity. I don't know what to do.

The other thing that I deal with is a deep sadness/longing for my husband. This would be similar to what most people are familiar with in terms of dealing with loss. The nothingness of it all. The wondering what the future will be like. The days without him. The holidays, the seasons changing, all of it. Thinking about him and what a healthy 37-year-old, happy, good, funny, kind, loving person he was and how crazy that one minute he can be here and the next minute gone. It's insane and sad beyond words. And in terms of Luke and Alyssa, sad beyond belief.
At this time the "trauma" seems worse and more difficult for me to deal with than the sadness. The sadness is kind of an even flow of thoughts...thinking about things, etc etc. The trauma is...........just.............worse. I can't explain it very well. I guess I feel like it's possible to **survive** and go on being sad, but when I have those awful traumatic thoughts I want to run somewhere....scream....bang my head until the thoughts are gone.

I am so thankful that Luke and Alyssa do not have the "trauma" part of it. At least I hope they don't. They have to deal with the sadness and they will mourn their father in the years to come, but I am hoping that they were spared the sharp/stabbing/hurtful/desperate pain.

How do I turn this around?
How do I give meaning to something so tragic?

1 comment:

Steph said...

I too struggle with the shocking
images floating around in my brain from that horrible night.They overwhelm me at random times and stop me in my tracks. Then there's the deep sadness caused by the hole that Joe left in our family. But alot of the pain and sadness I feel is related to watching you go through this. I can't stand it. It hurts me to know there is so much pain in the life of someone I love so much.

I don't know how to turn this around. I don't know how to give meaning to this tragedy.
But I do know one thing, if anyone can figure out how to turn this around, to give it meaning, you can. Somehow, someway, someday you will find a way.