In my grief counseling group the question was asked "What gives you comfort?". The first word that popped into my head was "nothing". The reason is that I live with this grief every day. I know that in other deaths that I have experienced I could kind of put it aside for a while and think about something else. But I am home all day with Alyssa and Luke, and yes, I keep very busy but it's just always there with me. I do my thing, take care of the kids, and go to bed alone every night. There is no escaping this for me.
But then I realized that I wasn't really listening to the question. I was hearing "what makes this better?" and obviously nothing makes this any better for me, hence my answer of "nothing". So I gave the question another chance and thought some more about it.
"What gives me comfort? I have to say that obviously I am comforted to an extent in that I have so many people that love me and my children. I know that at any given moment I can call any one of many people and they would come and help me with whatever I need. Specifically I find a lot of comfort from my friend Jamie.
I have known Jamie since the 6th grade and she knows pretty much everything about me. She has helped me through many times in my life, as friends do through the years. I lived with her for all of the years between graduating from college and moving in with/marrying Joe. Around the time of the accident I received a tremendous amount of comfort from her and was drawn to be with her. She was here all the time and she continues to be. The thing about Jamie is she is very literal in a sense and makes things seem very simple. I love that about her. She also never misses a chance to make fun of me or laugh at something about me. I love that too. She keeps things light and literal, but she's real and genuine and I know she cares for me deeply. I find a lot of comfort in her.
I also receive a lot of comfort from this blog. There is always a slight nagging feeling in the back of my mind that says "Robin this is too much sadness to convey about yourself" and I do worry a little that some readers who don't know me well will just think I am wallowing in my own sadness. But that's not the case. Anyone who spends time with me knows that I am doing "pretty okay", and I do laugh a lot and smile a lot and I am trying my best at making good decisions. So I continue to be true to this side of myself and I find comfort in that people are sticking with me. When I lay my head on my pillow at night it helps me to know that I am not alone in a sense, that people are thinking of me. Thank you blog readers for providing me that comfort.