Today we were driving and Luke asked me where daddy died. He has asked me this question before and either the subject was changed or I did not answer and his mind wandered quickly. Today I answered him. So he knows. We both agreed we don't like to go that way anymore. He seemed okay with it. Alyssa was there too. We'll see.
Sometimes I get into conversations with people about the accident and the investigation of the accident. Many people ask me if the investigation is complete (which the answer at this time is no) and then the proceed to tell me many of the same things.....that the investigation should be complete by now; that the person should punished by the law...ultimately in jail....that there is something wrong since it has taken so long, etc etc. Usually these comments are spoken in anger.
I understand why people who loved Joe would be angry. Usually people don't understand why I am seemingly not angry at the progress in this area and I get the feeling that they think that I should be actively doing something about this situation.
Let me describe to you how this whole thing will play out in terms of criminal action. First, I personally have NOTHING to do with it. Once the investigation is complete, the police present it to the State and they decide if they want to press criminal charges. They don't care what I do/say/think. It is completely in their hands.
I have known this is the way it works from the very beginning. When I would get the questions of "don't you want this done?" I would say "why? what difference does it make to me?" Really, in case you can't understand where my head has been for the last (almost) 9 months, it has been on my husband, and on taking care of my kids. Nothing short of Joe returning would make this better. I have always known and still believe that no fault will be found on the part of my husband, and so I don't need a police report to tell me that. All it will do is bring up for me details of the worst day of my life. Details that I am trying to forget, and probably more details that I just don't want to know.
The way I feel about the subject is this....first let me say this....I do have anger sometimes, but it is controlled and fleeting. I can not live with so much anger. It maks me lose sleep, it does not feel good to me, or right, or healthy. Every minute that I spend angry, frustrated, dwelling on what these people took from me is ANOTHER MINUTE THEY TAKE FROM MY LIFE, AND THE LIVES OF MY CHILDREN. When I am angry, frustrated, dwelling on things that I can not change/that I can not impact, I do not have the mind of a mother, or at least the mother that I try to be. I make a conscious effort every day to not let these dirtbags take anything more from me. Sitting with anger means they are still controlling me. They don't get to do that. They took the life of my family, and now I am busy trying to rebuild it, less one person. THAT is why I don't have time to dwell on the process. Right or wrong, that's the way it is.