I have a lot on my mind. There are many things coming up that seem hugely sad to me and put all together I am feeling overwhelmed. On Saturday my daughter turns 4. I had such a hard time even thinking about her party and of course a 3-year-old deserves to be nothing but excited and fully engaged in her soon-to-be-fourness. The problem is that I don't want her to turn 4 without her father here.
Every party I have ever had for my kids has been a process that included seemingly endless planning, running around, cleaning, buying, decorating, cake making, on and on. You all know what I mean. Every single day-before party day Joe and I would have a list that we would work from and usually I would get completely annoyed because all of a sudden he'd throw on there "clean the garage" or some crazy thing that in my mind would take a week to do it properly and who the heck is going to GO in the garage anyway?? But everything always got done, or done enough anyway. All day during the party we would both be busy, apart from each other, and then after everyone left he would hug me and look me in the eyes and tell me what a great job I did. He would tell me I was the best mother in the world and how lucky my kids were to have me. This year there will be none of that.
I do not know how I am going to get through this weekend. Honestly, it's going to be tough.
And beyond this weekend, there is another day which I am dreading which is Joe's birthday, May 4. I don't even know what to do on that day. Luke will surely say to me "today is daddy's birthday" and I will probably smile and say "I know!" and we'll be silly and yell out a happy birthday daddy. But all I will want to do really is curl up in a ball on the ground.....and go to sleep....until it is over.
I keep reminding myself lately that days last 24 hours. I find that if I remind myself of that then at least the day has an end in sight.
Tonight my kids were playing in the living room and I stood in another room and stared out the window at the driveway. I was imagining Joe riding in on his motorcycle, helmet on, sunglasses on, looking at the house to see if any of us were looking out at him. He did this evey day from April to October, weather permitting, for four years. Our ears were trained to hear his motorcycle as it came down the street getting closer to our house and one of us would yell out "daddy's home!" and 5 minutes later after he put his bike away he would walk in the door and he would yell "daddy's home!".
I stood there leaning on the window imagining him for a long time. I was crying and I couldn't even believe I was letting myself go there in terms of imaging if he would come home because I never do that. But with the nice weather there are motorcycles everywhere now and we hear them all the time even from our house. The image of him riding his has been on my mind constantly.
I turned around and Luke was standing there. He saw my watery eyes and I just walked over and hugged him. I told him that I was sad about daddy and I miss him. I feel that it is okay for Luke to see me sad sometimes, as most times we talk about Joe we smile and laugh, but he deserves to see that it's okay to be sad too. His usual reaction is to do something silly to make me laugh and it is obvious to me that he is nervous. My poor child, I hate that he has to deal with this. But I just always tell him the truth and I always tell him "I'm okay Luke, you don't have to worry about me" and I say it sincerely. And then we move on. I hope and pray that his little mind processes the whole package..."she was sad but then she was okay again" and doesn't just focus on the sad part.
With the warm weather I am faced again to figure out the stone that will be placed at the cemetery. Last Fall when I first started this chore it was too terrible for me to think of Joe's name being there with with two dates-a birth date and a death date. I put it off because I just was not ready and even now I am still not ready to see that, but I guess I never will be. As I was thinking about this I had the thought that when I die, they should put July 25, 2007 on my stone too. I feel like I died that day. I have guilt for feeling that way. I have two children that are the lights of my life. They make me laugh and smile a hundred times a day. So how is it fair to them to have a mother that feels that she is dead inside? I just don't know. I just have to acknowledge that I don't feel that way all the time, I have to keep trying to not feel that way and above all I have continue to have hope for the future.
I have many more things on my mind. As I said, I am overwhelmed.
Remember last summer when I said I was going to need your prayers and thoughts at times, well now's the time people. Pray for me.