Spoiled

First, regarding Luke, I still do not know what is up with him. The first blood tests came back showing that he probably does not have mono. They can't be sure though until one more test comes back which will hopefully be tomorrow. He still has a sore throat but the thought of sleeping with mommy had his spirits up at bedtime. So above all, I am **hoping** that we get up tomorrow and he's feeling a little better than today.

Second, things have gotten so bad lately that I think I have hit some sort of breaking point. Right now, at this very moment, when I have so many HUGE things to worry about, for some reason my mind feels light and carefree. There is just no logical explanation for that, and if you knew all the things I have on my mind right now, you would know, that there is no logical explanation for it. But all of these things have led me to focus on #3, below.

Third, the title of my post is "spoiled" for this reason: I know that people think of me and pray for me and love me. I have friends and family that can't possibly understand but accept my crazy widow-ways of endless babbling/changing my mind/forgetting what I was talking about/being impatient and on and on. I have people that email me all throughout the day and late into the night sometimes when I feel like I need someone to talk...even about stupid everyday types of nothingness. I know that I am so lucky in that way, and at times I feel "spoiled" for all of this love coming my way. I also have many people that email me, whom I do not know, who read my blog for one reason or another and tell me that I help them. This is just over-the-top for me and I feel humbled sometimes to think of how deeply my words are felt. This is a gift to me, truly- something good coming out of something bad. Thank you for all for hearing me, and for caring. Your time, thoughts, letters, phone calls, emails, and love are what is carrying me through this time in my life. It is because of you that I know that the last lines of what I said at the funeral (below) are true. For some reason right now, with the largest weights of stress that I have carried in the last nine months on my shoulders, for no reason which I can explain, I know that this is true:

.........."I want everyone to know that although today I stand here a broken woman, you can be certain that I will take care of my children and they will flourish and thrive. They will be great like their father. We will soar together to the life that Joe would want us to have."

The pain in this world is not going to break me. It is making me brave.