I dropped my kids off with my sister today for a few days. The reason is that I feel like I don't have the patience that I need for them right now and my fuse is short. I hate that every other word that comes out of my mouth to them is "no", still it doesn't seem to stop me from saying it. When I was driving to meet my sister I kept tearing up because I felt like such an awful mother....leaving them....because I feel overwhelmed. What mother does not feel overwhelmed? I don't know. Part of me also feels like I should be with them on Friday, and I will not. Even if they don't know what day it is. There is a small chance that Luke will remember if he realizes the date. But I don't know, how does a boy process the one year anniversary of his father's death? Does it hurt him like it hurts adults? Does it hurt more than it does any other day? Or is it just another hard fact in his life?
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Luke and Alyssa, if you ever read this, I want you to know that I am just doing the best that I can right now. I love you both more than anything in this world. Half of the time I don't know what I am doing....but I do try to make good decisions so that you can have happy lives. Me losing your dad is the most painful thing that has ever happened in my life, and although I am not perfect for you, and you surely will have memories of days when I was not a happy mother, I loved you through every second. I have anticipated so much of your grief that you have not even felt yet, and I hope that when the time comes and you can explain to me how you feel about the loss of your father, I can provide comfort for you. Right now, at this one year anniversary of his death, I am trying to find comfort for myself. So that somehow I can heal and be there for you in the future, when you need me.