Every day this month I wake up and I think "this time last year I had X days left with Joe". It's hard not to relive those days in my mind. I am dreading reliving the last day...I don't want to do it. I don't know how to stop myself from doing it either. I do not know what to do with myself on that day.
Last weekend we went to my niece's birthday party which was one of the last things that Joe and I and the kids did together. There is a funny story that happened with Joe on the way home from that party which the kids have talked about for the entire past year. Alyssa still tells the story even now. I felt so sad when I woke up on Saturday morning because it feels heavy to do the last things that we did with him, again, without him. It's hard to explain.
Luke's birthday is also coming up on July 19. I had one "celebration" yesterday for him. The truth of it is that I put off thinking about his birthday for so long that I literally began the weekend with no solid plan in mind, no presents, no cake, nothing. Then I started to feel so guilty and I still do to some extent. I am sure I have said on this blog before that in the past I would spend weeks thinking about my kid's birthday parties...and planning them......and this year we literally opened gifts and ate cake in the parking lot of an amusement park. As it turned out, Luke had a great time and it was fine, but still, I feel selfish for not putting more into it. I just feel like I can't deal with anything but myself and my own thoughts right now and I find myself letting things slide.........things that I never would have before.
Honestly, I don't know how my son can turn 7 without his father. One of the last videos that I have of Joe is of him eating a piece of Luke's birthday cake when he turned 6. Five days after that video was taken was the accident. I still can't believe it.
I feel like I am constantly trying to keep myself and my mind busy, and the slighest insignificant thing could send me spiraling downward. When I went to camp last week for vacation I could barely make it up there. It is so difficult for me to pack things up and leave my house. I feel like I am leaving him every time. By the time I got to camp I was in such a bad mental state that I went to my room and cried and my mother sat with me. I hated how I was feeling. My sister asked me if I wanted her to watch my kids so I could go home and be alone and my response to that was no....that there was no comfort anywhere. There is just no place that feels okay sometimes. The truth is that this is a struggle for everyone who loved Joe, and some days you just have to get through. Some days are not pretty at all.
Another thing that happened while I was at camp was that I made a sly remark to two of my sisters....I would call it kidding but in mixed company it could seem that I was being a real bitch (but between sisters it was just kind of mean spirited fun). Both of them basically told me with a smile that I was a bitch and I told them, "Look..... I am angry and I am using you guys to take it out on...to release some of my anger." One of them said to me completely seriously, "That's why we're here Rob, give us all you've got". I really can't describe how I felt when I heard those words. I looked at my sisters and my mother and I knew they were serious....that they expected and were willing to take my shit, no matter how rude or irrational, whatever I gave them, and they would love me anyway....to put themselves and their own feelings aside because they know my mental agony and they want me to feel better. THAT my blogging friends, is family.