School

Yes, school is starting.

It started last year too for Luke, without Joe. So this will be the second time around, but it doesn't seem any less sad. Maybe slightly easier in the sense that I am not worried about him being at school and not being able to see how he is doing 24/7 (which I was very worried about last year), but no less sad.

Alyssa is starting pre-school this year. That bothers me more. I think that Alyssa is completely ready for school and I have no worries about how she will do and I know that she will love it. I more have a hard time thinking about the parent night that I will go to alone; looking at her standing on the step outside so I can take her picture as she goes off for her first day; those are the things that are hurting. It's not like I need anyone to be with me for these events, it's that I need Joe to be with me for these events. He should be here. She is his little girl.

Then there is the question of what I will do for the 2 1/2 hours while she is at school, when I am by myself. I still really am not completely okay with being home alone, though my puppy helps me with that. My first reaction about thinking what I will do while Alyssa is at school is "well, I won't go home". And if I do that for a while I guess that's ok. My plan at this point is to go somewhere and walk, walk, walk for a couple hours until I pick her up.

I think about what it would be like if Joe was here, how different it would be that our daughter is going to school. I am sure I would be elated with the whole idea of having time to myself. I would be counting the months til I would be going back to work and preparing for that. I would be looking forward to being able to be in Luke's classroom more volunteering for a few hours while Alyssa is at school. None of that seems to feel happy or exciting to me anymore. It's all still do-able and will happen, it's just, without him to share my happiness with, it seems overshadowed by the loss of him.

The four of us were supposed to go through life together. I feel like my family is broken.