Almost 14 months later it becomes apparent to me that I need to see a "regular" counselor.
Last winter/fall I went to a Grief Counselor a few times and then I did the 12-week GriefShare group session in the Winter/Spring. When I say "regular" counselor I mean someone to talk to about everything in my life, not just so focused on the loss of my husband. Obviously when Joe died I was not perfect....and one thing I loved about Joe is that he let me talk, talk, talk and he would listen to me. That helped me to work through things. I don't have that anymore. One thing that is different for a widow is that (at least in my case) not only do you lose your mate, husband, father of your children, financial security, the guy that mows your lawn and puts your air conditioners in; you also lose your best friend- the person that (at least in my case) you can talk daily to about any stupid arbitrary thing in the world and they will at least listen and you don't have to feel guilty for bugging them. I'm not saying that Joe was hanging on my every word....and in fact there were many, many times when I would literally lay half on top of him with my face right near his face talking, talking, talking and if he looked like he wasn't listening I would say "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!" and he'd say "YES!" and I would laugh and try to convince him that what I was saying-no matter what it was- was really important. He never rolled his eyes or told me to go away. He would always try to act like it was important....but truthfully what was important was not what I was talking about but that I was there and he was there and we were both focused in some way on each other. That's gone.
So I feel like I need to have someone ask me questions....and listen to me and follow up with more questions...about how I am doing and how I am feeling about stuff. It's hard for me to turn this stuff on and off while my kids are running around so I don't feel in the right frame of mind when family and friends call me on the phone. Which brings me to another point which is that if anyone has questions for me....you can use the comment section on the blog or email me. I do find it helpful to write about stuff. At this point I would welcome anything. In the meantime I'll start searching around for a good counselor. Something's not right with me. Yeah, I guess that's an understatement.