Monday, August 24, 2009

The delicate dance of reality

Tomorrow my daughter starts Kindergarten.

For a while now I've been just kind of glossing over the whole thing in my head, mostly focusing on how early school starts and how summer is cut short, not letting my mind go there in terms of what it all will be like; not focusing on what I would be focusing on, talking about, thinking about if Joe were here. Which would be all-out, this is a big deal, Alyssa is starting school. Real school. If things were "normal" this would be an event in our house. I know that because it the natural pull of my thoughts, to make it a big deal. But every time I start to feel how big it is, I put it aside, tell myself to not think about it, because along with the bigness of it, is pain.

So I just try to make a "thing" in my head. Instead of an "event".

Am I crazy? Honestly, I don't know if I make any sense.

My general take on events that could be painful is
"don't think, just DO".

For a while that strategy was an honest to goodness survival technique in terms of getting through my days. If I allowed myself to truly experience every big event that has occurred in the past two years I would not have been able to function at most of them. And my children, they wouldn't have been able to experience things the way they have been able to if their mother was carrying on like a basket case. It just seemed to be the most logical way to handle things for the three of us.....for me not to think too deeply.

I have actual conversations in my mind when I start to feel weepy at an event. I talk to myself about something completely unrelated and get myself out of whatever situation is going on. I avoid the present.

This takes away from experiencing things in my life. I don't want to look back anymore than I already will and not be able to remember the details of "what happened when ____" (fill in the blank). But honestly, when will it not hurt?

I try my best to allow my children the excitement, accomplishment and thrill of events and new things in their lives. Tomorrow I'll take Alyssa's picture and bring her to school. But it will all feel shallow to me..............going through the motions, not allowing myself to think or feel what is really going on. I'll keep my mind going to the next thing that needs to be done. Because honestly, if I were to be truthful with her, and show her what I am really feeling on this day of joy, I would cry and hold her hands and tell her how sorry I am that her daddy is not here to take her picture with her. I can't do that to her on her first day of school. So instead of a fully present, in-the-moment mommy, she will get a "fake" and avoiding the situation mommy. Hmmm. I wonder if she can tell?

1 comment:

Steph said...

My dear sweet brave sister...

I know you are doing the very best you can and I whole-heartedly believe that Alyssa is getting everything she needs from you. She was made strong and adaptable and full of joy and spunk and love and light. She loves her "momma" with her whole heart just the way you are now..and she will love you even more in the future when she fully realizes the life and love you gave her in spite of the heartbreaking pain you were in.