For the first time in over 8 eight years I have regularly scheduled time each day in which I am at no one's beck and call. Seriously, it is crazy. Last year I had three days a week where Alyssa was in preschool for 2 hours, but that time was spent doing errands and tending to my dog and most of the time I felt like by the time I got home I was looking at the clock to see when I needed to be back there because it was such a short period of time. So this year is different. And, I'm sure like many mothers who have stayed home with their kids I (unexpectedly) feel very weird about it. I imagined all the stuff I'd get done, how I could actually get a haircut without getting a babysitter, have meetings for various things where I don't have to drag my kids along, etc. The past three afternoons I really have gotten quite a bit done. But there is also a feeling that I had not anticipated. It is that I just plain feel weird without having any children with me during the day. All of a sudden I am feeling what a change I am in the midst of. I'm never going back to having a child at my side all day. Strange.
It is these kind of changes in life in which I feel most alone. If Joe were here I could talk to him about it. He'd probably not truly understand what I was feeling but he'd sit there just the same and listen to me babble on about these changes. Then he'd hug me and although I'd still feel the change I would not feel the alone-ness. When you lose your spouse you lose something that is so hard to describe. As I've said many times before it's the little things that hurt the most.
I also had not anticipated a revisiting of some of the more torturous aspects of what happened with Joe. I had not really thought about how grief would factor into my new alone time, but obviously without my daughter's (constant) talking I have time to have uninterrupted thoughts.
For some reason lately I've been wondering this:
How could a woman, a mother, be so cold and heartless as to watch a man die before her eyes and immediately have her thoughts go to money. Several people at the scene of the accident went on official record to say that the owner of the business where the accident occurred complained freely at the scene "We can't afford another lawsuit"; furthermore the passenger of the vehicle that pulled in front of Joe went to the police the day after the accident and told them that she told him to lie to police about what happened. Months later (after he had moved from the area) he flew back here from Alabama to be deposed and under oath told the same story that he told the police.
There is nothing that I can do about her abhorrent conduct. The police built a case against her and attempted to have her indicted but the (overburdened) county attorney did not pursue the case. All of that is completely out of my hands. But man, it feels like there should be something that I could do. It just feels so wrong. How can a person be so disgustingly heartless and wretched? Seriously, how?
I know her pathetic existence should have no bearing on my life. No matter what happens with her it does not change my circumstance. It's just....it's an anger in my heart that has not lessened with time.