Tuesday, December 1, 2009

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I long to see Joe hug our children as they are now.

When I look at pictures of Luke and Alyssa at their current ages of 8 and 5, I realize how much older they are than when Joe died. It's painful to think of him missing all of this. I feel a simultaneous sense of urgency and helplessness to change it. Obviously that's not going to happen.

I particularly find myself daydreaming of what it would be like to see Joe hug and play with Alyssa. Maybe it's because she was so little and she has changed so much, grown up so much, between the ages of 3 and 5 1/2. Sometimes when I hug her I pretend my arms are her father's and somehow he can feel what it is like to hug her through me. Crazy, I know. I just wish he could experience the joy of holding our growing children.

I know if he was still here he would be savoring these moments. Joe was very good at living in the moment and he valued time with his children. Being a father was one of his favorite things to be and he found a lot of genuine joy and fun in that role. He was never the the type to just go through the motions of life, or rather be somewhere else.

I hate to think of what my kids, and I, have missed by not having him here.
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1 comment:

AndreaRenee said...

I relate 110%- even to this: Sometimes when I hug her I pretend my arms are her father's and somehow he can feel what it is like to hug her through me.
Love to you and your kiddos. XOXO