Monday, August 9, 2010
I wonder if anyone could possibly understand the mind of a 38-year-old widow with 2 little kids. That is not a statement of self-pity and I am not looking for praise. I know as I write it that any person could write the same sentence about their own life (fill in the blanks "...the mind of a X-year-old X with X...") I know that life is hard for everyone and every person has their struggles. For the first time in my life when I look at my face in the mirror I recognize that I am getting older. It is a conscious thought now, where it never used to be. I can't help but feel that if Joe were here it would matter a little less, because we'd both be in the same boat. I look at my kids and wonder some days how we will ever get through this. The weak moments are hard to acknowledge. My mind wanders to awful places of what would happen to them if something were to happen to me, to my health, or due to an accident or whatever. How could two children endure so much pain? The thought terrorizes my mind. And I know it's useless to worry. Every time my kids and I leave wherever we are to go home I wonder...."What exactly am I going home to?" and I feel empty. I have always loved my house and truly can't imagine not living in it, but I think it is holding me back. I am stuck living a life that was supposed to be but isn't. I wonder if anyone could possibly understand a 38-year-old widow with two little kids. Nope. I don't think so. Why would you want to? It is a self-centered fantasy........a far-away dream....to have someone understand your feelings and listen to your fears and act as if you are not crazy for having them. Someone you don't have to hide from. It's a dream.....of days gone by.