This post may not make any sense to anyone. But I need to write it. I have a special request that you do not post any comments to this entry.
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Why is it that if 99 people are holding you up, just enough to keep your head above water so as not to drowned, it only takes one person to pull you under?
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I

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give

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up

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And by doing so I feel my soul break apart from my self. All that I hold sacred is scattered.

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People tell me that I am "strong" but I don't know what that means. Every time it confuses me and I stuff it in and think that at some point I will understand what that means. My outward appearance does not reflect what is on the inside, because the inside is impossible to convey. I am not strong, every day is a challenge for me not to drowned. And now I feel the pressure to give in.

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All I have done in the past 7 weeks is in an effort to keep myself surrounded by peacefulness for myself and my children, and to keep my head above water. There was no room for anger, because I was full of despair. But no one understands that because it is impossible to understand unless you are me, and that is reality. Yet most people took my word for it.

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I have a hard time wondering how someone can push a woman in grief. A woman who is begging to only be surrounded by support and love and peace. A woman who has laid out exactly what she needs. Yet my wishes are questioned....and pushed. As if I don't know what's best for myself and my children. As if I am not in "my right mind". As if I have ever in my married life not held my children and my husband high on a pedastal. Well I assure you all, that I am not in my right mind. But I know, that what I need is peace and love.

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I wonder.....how could anyone cause a grieving wife of two young children more pain than she already feels?

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Sometimes when you love someone, you put their own needs ahead of your own, when they ask you to.

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I don't know where in my life I went wrong.

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I know this...I wrote on a piece of paper over a month ago a question that went unanswered...the question was "Is this loss too big for me?". All this time I looked at it unknowingly, undecided. I was trying to focus on having hope.

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But today, I feel, for one reason or another, that this loss might take me down.

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