.
I need to acknowledge that building the stone wall was not an easy job, as you can imagine. My father did this on hot, humid summer days when it was 90+ degrees, sometimes all day. Stone after stone, each one was laid with the knowledge of what it was for.
And building the wall for me, made it even harder. When it was (what I considered to be) two-thirds done, I said "build it higher please!" and of course he did. More stones...more heat...more beautiful.
Many people know that my parents have been with me on and off, since July. They have never left me for very long and always come back whenever I need them. I am sure some people have wondered why I don't talk here about the things that they have done for me. The answer is that I cannot put most of these things into words that adequately convey my feelings. The lists of "projects completed" is not sufficient.
I can tell you that my father built a back-breaking wall, my mother plays with my kids and a whole list (and I mean a HUGE LIST) of things that they have done and sacrifices they have made for me. However those things...although they are appreciated to the highest degree...they do not touch the underlying premise for what all of his really means.
Every trip here from Vermont says "We are here for you".
Every project completed for me says "We're going to do this together".
Every meal made for me and the kids says "We love you".
Every living room conversation says "Keep talking".
Every babysitting marathon says "Your time alone is important".
Every time they blow up that damn mattress on the living room floor they are saying to me "Your life is our life right now".
These things are sacred to me. There is no one on this earth other than me and my parents who knows the long list of things they have physically done for me, and there is no one on this earth other than me who understands the depth of what they have provided for me mentally, in order to get through the last 5 months of my life.
I have teased my parents through the years about things they did "wrong" while I was growing up, as I am sure my own kids will do to me someday. But about this era, there will be no critique. My parents have shown the fierce love that a mother and father can have for a child. I feel lucky to be their daughter.
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Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Stone Wall Part I
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At the end of the summer my father built a stone wall in the corner of our yard. The stones were from a wall in front of our house that Joe had taken down a few years ago when we made some changes to our landscaping. We actually bought the stones to begin with......Joe built a wall and then a few years later he took it down when we wanted to change things. Joe piled the stones beside the garage and we thought we would use them again some day. My father took those same stones and built the wall that serves as part of our monument to him. It makes my heart ache.
Behind the stone wall we planted a tree in honor of Joe. I was going to do this with my kids but as summer ended there was somewhat of a rush to get it into the ground. I planted some other flowers as well, and spread mulch all around it. The wall is beautiful, the tree will be gorgeous when it grows bigger and it is a great spot....but I sit at my desk and look out the window and I think in my head:
"I used to have Joe, and now I have a tree".
.
At the end of the summer my father built a stone wall in the corner of our yard. The stones were from a wall in front of our house that Joe had taken down a few years ago when we made some changes to our landscaping. We actually bought the stones to begin with......Joe built a wall and then a few years later he took it down when we wanted to change things. Joe piled the stones beside the garage and we thought we would use them again some day. My father took those same stones and built the wall that serves as part of our monument to him. It makes my heart ache.
Behind the stone wall we planted a tree in honor of Joe. I was going to do this with my kids but as summer ended there was somewhat of a rush to get it into the ground. I planted some other flowers as well, and spread mulch all around it. The wall is beautiful, the tree will be gorgeous when it grows bigger and it is a great spot....but I sit at my desk and look out the window and I think in my head:
"I used to have Joe, and now I have a tree".
.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
.
Sometimes my mind is on something else for a while.............then I am snapped back to reality.............and I think "Has enough time passed yet? Is this over now?"
Most of the time when we are experiencing something difficult, there is a time-period associated with it where we must endure the stress...and then things go back to "normal". But there is no time-period for this. It is forever. There is no going back.
My heart aches to think of never seeing Joe again....and to think that my marriage to him is over.
.
Sometimes my mind is on something else for a while.............then I am snapped back to reality.............and I think "Has enough time passed yet? Is this over now?"
Most of the time when we are experiencing something difficult, there is a time-period associated with it where we must endure the stress...and then things go back to "normal". But there is no time-period for this. It is forever. There is no going back.
My heart aches to think of never seeing Joe again....and to think that my marriage to him is over.
.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A while ago I started seeing a grief counselor. There are certain parts of what happened that are really hard for me to deal with and certain images that I have in my head that are so traumatic, I don't know what to do with them.
Basically when these images enter my mind, usually what happens is...I have a physical reaction...like I shake my head a little from side to side... and then I consciously try to think of something different. I knew that I was doing this and I started to wonder if I needed to somehow face this stuff....think it through...I don't even know, in order to deal with it properly and make it stop.
In short, the answer that I have gotten is "no". My counselor told me that eventually the frequency of these images will decrease and that right now it's okay to purposely switch to thinking of something else, since this whole thing is still so new. Today it is 20 weeks since the accident. It doesn't seem "new"....it seems like forever.
The other thing I need help with is in terms of my children. Within the course of a day I think about Joe probably 60% of the time, and I think about my kids the other 40% of the time. I worry about how they process everything...how they are coping...what Luke isn't telling me that's in his complex little mind...on and on. Basically I am grieving for them, about things they are not even grieving about at this point. It's crazy. However, if you asked me how my kids are doing, I would tell you "they seem to be doing fine!".
It's true, neither of them are acting in ways different from the way they used to...they don't seem to be having any difficulties coping at this point in time and they actually seem pretty............(dare I say)........ happy. I have to take that for what it is, stop analyzing it all the time and deal with issues as they come up. The counselor explained to me that young children's attention spans are short, and really it's not possible for them to think as deeply into it...to grieve the way adults do. Even when they think of Joe and they say "I miss daddy", within a few minutes they are on to something else. They are not purposely trying to busy themselves and their minds with other thoughts (the way I do) they are truly onto other and more pleasant things.
An example of this would be Christmas. For me, it is all about tradition, symbols, holiday, etc etc and it is so crushingly sad that Joe is not here. However, for my kids, it is about Santa, presents, cookies, school vacation, cousins, snow, fun, fun, fun! Their young precious minds are hard-wired at this point for what it IS instead of what it IS NOT. In another year, under different circumstances, I might think, "these kids should not be so concerned with presents and what they will get for Christmas".......but this year.......... this year I say:
"THANK GOD FOR SANTA!"
.
Basically when these images enter my mind, usually what happens is...I have a physical reaction...like I shake my head a little from side to side... and then I consciously try to think of something different. I knew that I was doing this and I started to wonder if I needed to somehow face this stuff....think it through...I don't even know, in order to deal with it properly and make it stop.
In short, the answer that I have gotten is "no". My counselor told me that eventually the frequency of these images will decrease and that right now it's okay to purposely switch to thinking of something else, since this whole thing is still so new. Today it is 20 weeks since the accident. It doesn't seem "new"....it seems like forever.
The other thing I need help with is in terms of my children. Within the course of a day I think about Joe probably 60% of the time, and I think about my kids the other 40% of the time. I worry about how they process everything...how they are coping...what Luke isn't telling me that's in his complex little mind...on and on. Basically I am grieving for them, about things they are not even grieving about at this point. It's crazy. However, if you asked me how my kids are doing, I would tell you "they seem to be doing fine!".
It's true, neither of them are acting in ways different from the way they used to...they don't seem to be having any difficulties coping at this point in time and they actually seem pretty............(dare I say)........ happy. I have to take that for what it is, stop analyzing it all the time and deal with issues as they come up. The counselor explained to me that young children's attention spans are short, and really it's not possible for them to think as deeply into it...to grieve the way adults do. Even when they think of Joe and they say "I miss daddy", within a few minutes they are on to something else. They are not purposely trying to busy themselves and their minds with other thoughts (the way I do) they are truly onto other and more pleasant things.
An example of this would be Christmas. For me, it is all about tradition, symbols, holiday, etc etc and it is so crushingly sad that Joe is not here. However, for my kids, it is about Santa, presents, cookies, school vacation, cousins, snow, fun, fun, fun! Their young precious minds are hard-wired at this point for what it IS instead of what it IS NOT. In another year, under different circumstances, I might think, "these kids should not be so concerned with presents and what they will get for Christmas".......but this year.......... this year I say:
"THANK GOD FOR SANTA!"
.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Something Round
.
.
Last Christmas I had the bright idea for Joe and I to have a theme for our gifts. The truth is that we bought stuff for each other all year, so Christmas felt kind of....silly when it came to what to give each other. I am sure many of you can relate. The purpose of the theme was to make our own personal gift giving a little more fun.
So Joe and I each thought up 5 themes and wrote them down and put them in Joe's hat. Luke picked out our first theme....which was "something round". Among other things, I gave Joe a round gauge for his motorcycle, and he gave me a beautiful round charm with a picture of Luke and Alyssa on it.
When I was unpacking the Christmas boxes today I came across the little papers we wrote the themes on last year. I had packed them away so we could use them this year.
.
This is so insanely crazy.
.
.
.
Last Christmas I had the bright idea for Joe and I to have a theme for our gifts. The truth is that we bought stuff for each other all year, so Christmas felt kind of....silly when it came to what to give each other. I am sure many of you can relate. The purpose of the theme was to make our own personal gift giving a little more fun.
So Joe and I each thought up 5 themes and wrote them down and put them in Joe's hat. Luke picked out our first theme....which was "something round". Among other things, I gave Joe a round gauge for his motorcycle, and he gave me a beautiful round charm with a picture of Luke and Alyssa on it.
When I was unpacking the Christmas boxes today I came across the little papers we wrote the themes on last year. I had packed them away so we could use them this year.
.
This is so insanely crazy.
.
.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
.
.
Somewhere around the second and third month of this ordeal I would have the same thought go through my head every night as I pulled up my covers and went to bed. I would think:
.
"I'm steering this ship."
.
It's such an unusual thought for me to have. It's a phrase that I would not think myself to use.
.
Basically what I was meaning was that I am in charge on my own of my children, my house, our lives. All the choices for their care present and future, are mine alone. It's a big responsibility to be thrust into. I know that I am not alone, that there are single mothers everywhere. I know it's not impossible, but I was feeling the weight of it every night before I closed my eyes.
.
.
.
Somewhere around the second and third month of this ordeal I would have the same thought go through my head every night as I pulled up my covers and went to bed. I would think:
.
"I'm steering this ship."
.
It's such an unusual thought for me to have. It's a phrase that I would not think myself to use.
.
Basically what I was meaning was that I am in charge on my own of my children, my house, our lives. All the choices for their care present and future, are mine alone. It's a big responsibility to be thrust into. I know that I am not alone, that there are single mothers everywhere. I know it's not impossible, but I was feeling the weight of it every night before I closed my eyes.
.
.
Friday, December 7, 2007
.
.
Today was rough.
.
If you live in this area you may know there was an article in today's paper about me and a wrongful death lawsuit on Joe's behalf. I was actually told about the article this morning while talking to one of Joe's business colleagues on the phone. I was pretty much in shock about the whole thing all morning. It took me a long time to read the article all the way through. I kept getting stuck on the first three words....
.
.
"Widow of motorcyclist..."
.
.
I guess it's not appropriate to write the background of the lawsuit here or even the details of what happened today. For now I am just going to go about my business and ****hope**** that my attorneys and all other people involoved in this will remember that I AM THE WIDOW OF A MOTORCYCLIST every day, all day, and every night. Every minute, every second. I don't go home from an office to my family and forget about this nightmare. This is not my job and this is not a news story to me, it's my life.
.
.
.
Today was rough.
.
If you live in this area you may know there was an article in today's paper about me and a wrongful death lawsuit on Joe's behalf. I was actually told about the article this morning while talking to one of Joe's business colleagues on the phone. I was pretty much in shock about the whole thing all morning. It took me a long time to read the article all the way through. I kept getting stuck on the first three words....
.
.
"Widow of motorcyclist..."
.
.
I guess it's not appropriate to write the background of the lawsuit here or even the details of what happened today. For now I am just going to go about my business and ****hope**** that my attorneys and all other people involoved in this will remember that I AM THE WIDOW OF A MOTORCYCLIST every day, all day, and every night. Every minute, every second. I don't go home from an office to my family and forget about this nightmare. This is not my job and this is not a news story to me, it's my life.
.
.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Song
.
On Wednesday I was driving home from errands with Alyssa. A song came on....everyone has heard this song a million times before I am sure....it is called "Wherever You May Go" by The Calling. Of all the times I have heard it, this is the first time I really listened to the lyrics. By about 30 seconds into the song I was crying...sobbing quietly...in the front seat of my car. Alyssa luckily was oblivious (and tired) and did not notice.
.
You can listen to the song here. Don't watch the video...just listen to the words. The video really has nothing to do with the song.
.
,
So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
.
[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
.
And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
.
[Chorus]
.
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
.
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
.
[Chorus]
.
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
.
.
On Wednesday I was driving home from errands with Alyssa. A song came on....everyone has heard this song a million times before I am sure....it is called "Wherever You May Go" by The Calling. Of all the times I have heard it, this is the first time I really listened to the lyrics. By about 30 seconds into the song I was crying...sobbing quietly...in the front seat of my car. Alyssa luckily was oblivious (and tired) and did not notice.
.
You can listen to the song here. Don't watch the video...just listen to the words. The video really has nothing to do with the song.
.
,
So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
.
[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
.
And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
.
[Chorus]
.
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
.
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
.
[Chorus]
.
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
.
.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Tonight I was talking to my sister JoAnn on the phone. She said something that my mind has trouble making sense of. In a nutshell, it is this:
"Some day you will be okay".
When I hear that it does not make sense to me. It's like if someone pointed to the moon and said "the moon is purple", and that's supposed to make sense. What I mean is this:
Being with Joe = "Okay"
Joe = never coming back
I will never be with Joe again = life will never be okay.
My problem does not have a solution it seems. Nothing in the world will change the fact that Joe is not coming back.
I know that I have asked people to tell me that this will all be okay some day. I guess I just have to keep hearing it and maybe at some point I might be able to understand or feel how it might be true.
"Some day you will be okay".
When I hear that it does not make sense to me. It's like if someone pointed to the moon and said "the moon is purple", and that's supposed to make sense. What I mean is this:
Being with Joe = "Okay"
Joe = never coming back
I will never be with Joe again = life will never be okay.
My problem does not have a solution it seems. Nothing in the world will change the fact that Joe is not coming back.
I know that I have asked people to tell me that this will all be okay some day. I guess I just have to keep hearing it and maybe at some point I might be able to understand or feel how it might be true.
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