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I think I might just.....excuse my french.....lose my shit.

Safe to say I am stressed to the max these days. I can't elaborate on all the reasons, but you know, grief is enough to do it. On top of that my son has been sick with a terrible sore throat since last Sunday, as in a week and a half ago. You may remember that I took him to the doctor last monday and he had an ear infection and they tested him for strep, which he did not have. So he got off the bus today almost in tears because he felt so badly. He seemed fine when he got on the bus this morning. This afternoon he said his throat hurt really badly and I could tell it hurt him to swallow. So I packed up both my kids and brought him back to the doctor's office. The doctor looked him over and sent us to the hospital and we had blood work on him to test him for mono.

I will find out tomorrow if he does in fact have it. Part of me just wants a confirmation of what is wrong with him, and the other part hopes he doesn't have it for obvious reasons...he won't be able to play t-ball due to the fact that your spleen can swell as a result of mono and so you have to be careful not to get his there; he won't be able to go to school some days and will be half days until he feels better; it lasts for quite a long time (weeks); and of course I don't want Alyssa or mysef to get it.

Right now I am just beside myself. He is in bed and not comfortable. He keeps having coughing fits (which he does not have during the day) and he winces in pain. I don't know. I just want my husband to tell me he'll be fine. I feel like at these times, it's too much to be alone.


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Thank you to all who sent me emails recently and also for leaving comments here.

Today I am feeling a little better. I am hoping I am on the upswing.


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Aw man I am struggling.

Why?

I can't really figure it out myself. Come on widows...I know you are out there. Help me out.

I feel somewhat embarrassed that tomorrow is 9 months to the day since the accident and I am at such a low point. I think I had a little grace period there where maybe my head was in the clouds. In the Fall as I have mentioned before I started having work done on my house and this project was a big distraction through the winter, in a good way. I was accomplishing things daily because I had to. Even if it was just staining windows and making choices about hinges and door pulls. I love that stuff. That was a therapy of sorts for me. Now despite the fact that I have A LOT more finish work to do, I have lost interest. I used the excuse before that I was waiting for the weather to get nicer so I could open a window and not force my kids to breath polyurethane fumes, but now the weather is nice and I haven't picked up a paintbrush once. So the bare wood around here stares at me all day. It's a chicken-or-the-egg type of scenario here though...I can't figure out if I am upset so I don't do the work or I don't do the work so I am upset. That is part of my problem and the reason why I bring that topic up is because at the end of all of those days I felt like I accomplished something in some strange way, or at least that things were moving forward. These days I don't feel like I accomplish anything.

So on top of a feeling like my days have no shape or direction, I have many issues floating in my head that are painful....Joe's birthday; the cemetery situation (stone/marker); Mother's Day; Luke's t-ball; summer; the constant roar of motorcycles which is so hard for me and, I believe, for my children; constant talk from Alyssa about daddy being (gulp...pause...) "dead"; Alyssa registering for pre-school; the police investigation into Joe's accident; lawyers; my loneliness; my missing and dealing with the fact that I will never look my husband in the eyes again, never; and many things that I cannot talk about here. I am just at a loss for some reason. Why all of these things, why all of this weight bearing down on me now?

I just want help. I want someone to guide me and give me answers. Tell me what is right and what is wrong and what I should be doing. I just don't know. I have always depended on my intellect and my heart to guide me. My intellect/mind is confused and my heart is broken. I am lost.

God please....let my darkest hour be behind me.

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If there is a scale from 1 to 10 of how I am feeling emotionally in the last week, I am at a "1".

That's just how it is right now. For the record, I put a "0" in at first and took it out and put "1". It's a lesson that I have learned....just when you think you can't feel any worse, you can.


You're welcome for the pick-me-up.


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Sometimes I wonder what Joe would think about this blog. A month ago I would have told you there is absolutely no way Joe would read something so sad, had someone that he loved died. The reason I thought that is because **I often thought of** Joe as an optimist sometimes to the point of complete denial of negative things. He always wanted and usually did surround himself with happiness.

Then one day last week out of the blue I had this clear memory of Joe sitting at my computer quietly and me coming up behind him to see what he was looking at. This memory was from two years ago.

All of a sudden I realized I was completely wrong. Joe would read this blog every day. I know this because I remembered when our niece was in the hospital, there was a "blog" of sorts about her progress, and Joe read it every day. He checked it multiple times a day to find out any new information about these people that he loved. I know this because we would talk about it often, and I would see him check it from my computer at home.

This realization made me learn something new about my husband. He was not "an optimist to the point of denial about negative things". He was someone who did not focus on the negative of what could happen, he was not a worrier. But when bad things happened, he was very present in the situation.

I miss him.

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Sorry to everyone who I was a bitch to today. I have no patience.

I am not feeling myself.

Tomorrow is a new day.


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Today we were driving and Luke asked me where daddy died. He has asked me this question before and either the subject was changed or I did not answer and his mind wandered quickly. Today I answered him. So he knows. We both agreed we don't like to go that way anymore. He seemed okay with it. Alyssa was there too. We'll see.

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Sometimes I get into conversations with people about the accident and the investigation of the accident. Many people ask me if the investigation is complete (which the answer at this time is no) and then the proceed to tell me many of the same things.....that the investigation should be complete by now; that the person should punished by the law...ultimately in jail....that there is something wrong since it has taken so long, etc etc. Usually these comments are spoken in anger.

I understand why people who loved Joe would be angry. Usually people don't understand why I am seemingly not angry at the progress in this area and I get the feeling that they think that I should be actively doing something about this situation.

Let me describe to you how this whole thing will play out in terms of criminal action. First, I personally have NOTHING to do with it. Once the investigation is complete, the police present it to the State and they decide if they want to press criminal charges. They don't care what I do/say/think. It is completely in their hands.

I have known this is the way it works from the very beginning. When I would get the questions of "don't you want this done?" I would say "why? what difference does it make to me?" Really, in case you can't understand where my head has been for the last (almost) 9 months, it has been on my husband, and on taking care of my kids. Nothing short of Joe returning would make this better. I have always known and still believe that no fault will be found on the part of my husband, and so I don't need a police report to tell me that. All it will do is bring up for me details of the worst day of my life. Details that I am trying to forget, and probably more details that I just don't want to know.

The way I feel about the subject is this....first let me say this....I do have anger sometimes, but it is controlled and fleeting. I can not live with so much anger. It maks me lose sleep, it does not feel good to me, or right, or healthy. Every minute that I spend angry, frustrated, dwelling on what these people took from me is ANOTHER MINUTE THEY TAKE FROM MY LIFE, AND THE LIVES OF MY CHILDREN. When I am angry, frustrated, dwelling on things that I can not change/that I can not impact, I do not have the mind of a mother, or at least the mother that I try to be. I make a conscious effort every day to not let these dirtbags take anything more from me. Sitting with anger means they are still controlling me. They don't get to do that. They took the life of my family, and now I am busy trying to rebuild it, less one person. THAT is why I don't have time to dwell on the process. Right or wrong, that's the way it is.